Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins of mankind, kids, and it can easily be defined as an insatiable appetite that leads to one's own destruction.
Of course we're assuming that the person in question is a human being, of which, Nick Saban is not.
Nick Saban is a snake, and as all scholars of the Bible know, brought about the corruption of men. Saban is a plague upon your houses, a river of blood, and a swarm of locusts all wrapped up in one suave and menacing hairstyle. Saban looks like the guy that is sent to collect the security money. If Saban didn't coach football he could easily run a pawn shop that was under constant surveillance of the FBI.
Most importantly, Nick Saban is the epitome of gluttony. He's not satisfied until he's consumed everything.
Mack Brown has been the head coach of the Texas Longhorns for 16 years and he never stood a chance this year. He's old, he's lost his grip, and Texas hasn't really been relevant since Vince Young but I believe that some things you let run it's natural course. Mack Brown deserves better. He made Vince Young a winner for crying out loud!
Still, and it's the nature of the beast, but sports is what have you down for me lately and all Mack Brown has done is age. At the time of this posting, Mack Brown is still the head coach of the Texas Longhorns but when you go back to read this two days later (because I have sustainability, dammit!) he will be officially another retiree soaking up social security in the good ol' state of Florida and Nick Saban will be picking out burnt orange drapes for his new office in Austin.
Oh sure, he'll come out and say publicly that he's fully invested in Alabama and that he's busy focusing on the bowl game and yadda yadda yadda. We've heard this all before back in 2007
EDIT: I started writing this about a week and a half ago and abandoned it at this point because I felt that it had just become one big Nick Saban hate-fest and indeed I was right. You should also notice that there is no period after "We've heard this all before back in 2007" because that's how abruptly I stopped. I return to you now to finish what I've started because there's been some developments...but the overall theme remains the same. The following takes place on December 21, 2013 and beyond.
Well, kids, Mack Brown has gone fishin'. He has been successfully bullied out of his job and will step down officially after Texas' bowl game in the something or other...sigh...I can't do it. I can't sit here and drink scotch, the nectar of the Gods, and not be completely horrified at what has transpired.
Let's put it this way: If Satan decided to live among mankind in order to directly attempt to influence them don't you think he'd be cocky enough to only change his name by a single letter? And take up his residency in the very religious South? Alabama loves three things: football, God, and Duck Dynasty--apparently added to the list this year.
To say that Nick Saban is evil is like saying that Hugh Hefner is a pimp because it's a vast understatement. Hugh Hefner is older than the invention of written language yet he constantly has 20-year old blondes straight from the Sears catalog looking to sweep his front porch and I'm not even sure that's a euphemism. Hefner's not a pimp...he's the guy that the word 'pimp' spawned from. It came off of him like a weird growth that the rest of us have lanced off and take a three-day weekend.
Nick Saban is getting paid $7.5 million dollars a year to be a smug asshole. What the Hell!? Where was that category when I was signing up for classes in college? "Hey man, how's your classes going this semester?" "Well, I'm doing well in Smug but I fear I might be on the fringe in Asshole. How about you?" "I'm doing well in Asshole but can't figure out Smug so we should help each other study." "Sounds like a plan, my name is Nick by the way." "I'm Alex Rodriguez." WE'RE ALL THE SAME PERSON!
Seven and a half million dollars to treat America's impressionable youth like the scumbags they are for trying to make something of themselves and all we're doing is trying to live day by day without any regions of the country thinking we're a plague on mankind. This feels like a bad Keanu Reeves movie...oops sorry, I mean a Keanu Reeves movie.
(By the way, that's how you spell 'oops', kids. If I see opps one more time I swear to Grammar Jesus that I might just not like your mundane and probably completely personal Facebook status!)
Look, for any aspiring prospect that happens to read this blog and also gets recruited by Nick Saban I am not saying you are getting recruited by the Devil. I'm not. I'm simply saying that if you willingly go stand by Saban you are just forsaking everything that's ever made you a respectable human being and that you choose personal gain over anything that is right and sacred. Don't be confused.
I'm kinda pleased in thinking this might be the last Studly of 2013. This made me feel good. Kids, have a great Christmas/Whatever holiday you weirdos celebrate, and make sure you come back down to the Pastures in 2014. My inspiration never lacks because humans never disappoint me.
Oh, by the way, the whole "last Studly of 2013" won't stand. The Dolphins will either implode, actually succeed, or do something so mediocre that I have to write again. Don't pop the champagne just yet, kids.
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