Black Fish

I've often had to sit back and reflect on a big issue that I seem to constantly deal with.

I look around at other people watching the same football game that I am and they're cheering while I am sitting there with a scorned look on my face.  I see them cheering and I just don't get it--are they watching the same game that I am?  I must be crazy because I swear I have seen this game before because I know exactly what's going to happen!

I'm not a pessimist.  I go into the game truly believing that they're not going to take things lightly and actually treat this like something they want to strive towards...uh...you know...success.  That thing.  But then I see their damn faces and the way they walk and to quote Aragorn "it would take the very heart of me" because they LOOK LIKE THEY ALREADY LOST THE DAMN GAME.  Are you kidding me?  Where's the motivation?  Where's the desire?  Where is the "I NEED this!?"

Bad teams are separated from great teams because great teams "NEED" to win.  Dropping two straight games against eliminated teams and only scoring seven points is not even close to showing need, or desire, or even fielding a professional football team.  I get to spell out 'seven' because AP style says you don't get to use the numeral until you get past ten.  10!  They couldn't even score 10 points against The Toronto Forgettables and the Damn Jersery Dogs.  They only thing they had to play for was to ruin Miami's season and that's exactly what they accomplished because they wanted it more...even though we were playing for the shot at the...wait for it...PLAYOFFS!

*Note: For those of you that are unsure on how the NFL operates, the playoffs are the opportunity that a team gets to try to advance to the championship game known collectively as the Super Bowl.  It's what every team strives for at Day One but only twelve teams get the shot from this point on.  The trick is to be one of those twelve teams by this point or you're already waiting in next year's line.  The Super Bowl, the pinnacle of American sports, was not enough of an enticing title for the Miami Dolphins that they decided to crap all over themselves against two teams that would only get the chance to view the trophy behind a glass case and say, "Oh, how nice."  Miami has done this now for 40 years.  Please notice the '40'.

The thing that astonished me more is that I'm only 28 and I'm this passionate about it.  God forbid you were born in 1974.  I can only imagine what you're going through right now, you poor, second-guessing yourself over everything, neurotic virgin.  What if she likes me?  What if she doesn't?  Oh God, she doesn't even know I exist!  At this point, the only thing that I can think of that would save you from this torture is to completely forsake everything sports-related and go live in a cabin in the woods and hunt for all your sustenance.  Personally?  I'm headed for the mountains and I'll live among the goats and the Sherpas and we'll all sit around and talk about cliffs and high winds and it will have nothing to do with the Miami Dolphins and I'll retain my sanity.  Yeah...that's it.

Here's how you start to solve the problem: Anybody who ever made a decision in what determined to be the outcome of any play in any game this season needs to be fired.  Seriously.  You called a play, you're gone.  You supported a play-call, take a hike.  If you saw somebody do either of these and thought, 'This makes sense', you are about to collect unemployment my friend because you are what we like to call an inept MORON!  I'm calling for the heads of Joe Philbin (the head coach), Mike Sherman (the offensive coordinator), Jim Turner (the offensive line coach), and so on and so forth.

Ironically, the one person that will probably be fired is the one that shouldn't and that's Jeff Ireland, the general manager.  Look, if I buy you a hammer and say, "Go do work with this hammer" and you immediately raise it up to nail something in and the pointy end goes directly into your eyeball--that's not my fault.  You're a moron, once again, and don't know how to use the tools I gave you to do the job that was intended.  It's not Ireland's fault that he went out and got the fastest deep-threat in the game for a quarterback that can't throw an accurate deep pass...okay...I'll stop there.  But this brings me to my little, adorable Fuzzby.

Tannehill did several things to impress me this season and I even considered him for Furby status.  For starters, he improved...he really did.  He made quicker decisions that were actually the right ones and there was no question that he was the leader of this team.  Secondly, he proved he is one tough son of a bitch.  He took a lot of hits this year--most of them thanks to the terrible offensive line--but he trotted his ass out there every single game.  I honestly can't remember, nor care to look it up, the last time that a Dolphins' quarterback started every game of the season.  I like Tannehill as the Dolphins' quarterback but he's still Fuzzby status.  He can't utilize his best weapon and doesn't know when to throw the ball.  That's a Fuzzby...but he gets a little bit of a free pass this season because of  how terrible the offensive line was...and that brings me to my next point:

What the Hell did Philbin do exactly to extinguish the whole 'bullying' controversy?  I read earlier yesterday that Don Shula endorsed Philbin as head coach.  Well kids, looks like Unky Don has slipped into senility because the only thing Philbin did was remove everybody involved from the clubhouse and lose to the win-less Buccaneers on Monday Night Football.  Interesting strategy!

So I sit here, hours after nothing but bitter defeat and I ask, "What was this season for?"

Miami finished 8-8.  Three early wins against teams we thought would be good that turned out not to be.  Four losses in a row that was lead by a loss that we knew would happen but didn't think would snowball.  But then came a few bizarre games that probably could have gone either way but, eh, they didn't because who cares.  Then the team turned it on and beat some really good teams only just to end the season by losing to some really bad teams.  What was this season for?  Absolutely nothing.  There's nothing to take away from the schedule because every game was an enigma.  Nothing made sense.  Miami defeated Cincinnati, New England, San Diego, and Indianapolis and all those teams are in the playoffs (and three of them are division winners).  Miami is out of the playoffs because they lost to Buffalo and Jersey who were playing to see which team would be most relevant out of the irrelevant and out of Buffalo, Jersey, and Miami the only team to lay down was Miami.

What?!?

So I watch them cheering and I'm standing there so angry and I wish I could be so naive.  I really do.  But I can't.  I study it.  I remember things.  I HATE when the commentators are right because they never should be.  They shouldn't know and if they do it's because your team SUCKS.

Kids, have a safe and happy New Year's Eve.  Don't get incarcerated because I want you to see the epic upset that UCF puts on Baylor in the Fiesta Bowl.  Last I checked the line was -16.5 Baylor which is definitely bulletin board material for the Knights.  I'll see you in 2014, my friends, and I'll try a little harder next year.