U-G-L-Y, She Ain't Go No Alibi

I want to begin the March edition of Studly Pastures with a great travesty that I learned about today.

Normally when I hear the words "Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Auditions" I get all tingly inside and start salivating like I just sat down in a fancy steak restaurant after being stranded out at sea for a few months.

So when I read those words today followed by these words: "Grandma, 55, to audition", I went into a complete meltdown.

THE Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders?! The Mount Everest of chicks in skimpy skirts, loose fitting tied-off shirts, and pom-poms?! Those Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders?

You have got to be kidding me.

Where does this grandmother get the audacity to desecrate something so pure and beautiful? Why doesn't she just set fire to the American flag and piss on the ashes? At least then we'll still have the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders to comfort our nation in our time of grief!

This woman is completely insane. She thinks that just because she trains in national fitness competitions that there is no difference between her damn near 56-year old body and those of the nubile 19-year old bodies she will be directly auditioning with.

Just typing that is making my blood boil.

There's no difference between a 19-year old's body and a 56-year old's body? That's like saying there's no difference between something awesome that everybody wants to see between something horrible that should be locked up in a closet. A 19-year old gets naked and she's put in a magazine. A 56-year old gets naked for a mole screening. This is just ridiculous.

My only explanation is that she's some spy put here by either Russia or North Korea or something to try and divide our nation's patriotism. What other national sanctity did we have left other than the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders? This is like 9/11 had a baby with Benedict Arnold!

The absolute worst part of it? She's not even that bad looking. I am not going to post her picture up on the SP because this is an American institution, dammit, but if you want to look her up for your commie selves her name is Sharon Simmons.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and try and find some more proof on 19-year old bodies being better...

Happy March Madness, kids!