Wild Card Weekend

Happy 2012, kids! I've taken a little time off to refresh the ol' brain piece to make sure that I deliver to you the utmost quality product I can down here at the Studly Pastures but now it's time to get back to work.

This weekend marks the start of the NFL play-offs and they call it Wild Card Weekend for a reason--shit gets crazy!

Remember last year when Marshawn Lynch single-handedly defeated the New Orleans Saints in Seattle, even though Seattle finished 7-9 and New Orleans was a huge favorite? Well the winds of fortune are blowing again this year and they are giving us a eerily similar situation in the Mile High City.

And who can resist this year's 'feel good' story? No, not Tebow, I'm talking about the Detroit Lions. Forget all the nonsense of Ndamukong Suh being a dirty player, and Jim Schwartz not being able to be patted on the back, the Lions making the play-offs is awesome. This franchise has been the biggest loser since Barry Sanders hung up his cleats--in 1998. I was in eighth grade that year and more concerned about why I was four feet tall than I was with professional football. Fourteen years later, I'm slightly taller, and the Lions are relevant again.

In Wild Card Weekend, only one of the Big Three is in action. Drew Brees hosts the aforementioned Lions in Louisiana while Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady get the week off. The year that all three of these guys had should make for a very interesting play-off race.

Alright, well, I'm running out of little quips to talk about so I'm just going to jump right into your favorite part: my predictions that almost invariably make me look like an ass.

My team was out of contention in September so you can rest assured that these picks will not hold any bias*.

*Warning: contains bias.

CINCINNATI BENGALS at HOUSTON TEXANS

Ok, first up it's the tigers against the cows. Huge game for the Texans, it's their first play-off game in franchise history, it's at home, and history tells us they are playing the Bengals. The only problem for them is that they are on their eighteenth quarterback of the season. As good as their defense and skill positions are, their line is evidently made of swiss cheese--or their quarterbacks are made of balsa wood. Either way, it's not good. However, they are playing a team that backed their way into the play-offs, meaning that they lost but so did the team that could've put them out. So it comes down to Mojo versus No-Mojo and I always take Mojo.

Houston 17 - Cincinnati 10



DETROIT LIONS at NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

And now for the 'feel good' story to come to a crashing halt. I love what the Lions did this year, I really did. For them to have a chance on Saturday the following things need to happen: Drew Brees doesn't play, Darren Sproles doesn't play, Marques Colston doesn't play, New Orleans' back-up quarterback doesn't play, Superdome fans become deaf-mutes, government probe proves that Katrina was a scam, and the Lions don't reveal that the only big game they won all year was the first Monday Night game against the healthy Chicago Bears--at home. That's about it. Brees crushed a 27-year record held by the Golden God Marino himself this year. YOU CAN'T STOP THE ROCK!

New Orleans 38 - Detroit 21



ATLANTA FALCONS at NEW YORK GIANTS

Ah yes, Hotlanta versus Jersey G-Men. This is the hardest pick of Wild Card Weekend. I have no idea what's going to happen. I had Michael Turner on my fantasy team this year and we finished in fifth place. Yeah, I said WE. He did the work, I called the shots. Matt Ryan looks spottier than a, well, I had a really dirty joke here that I will just keep to myself for the sake of going national. Let's just say that at the end of female cycles the flow tends to not be as heavy...yeah...that's Matt Ryan. Giants are hot right now. The kind of hot you want right as the play-offs are starting. Will they go all the way? Probably not. Will they beat the Falcons? I think so?

New York 21 - Atlanta 17



PITTSBURGH STEELERS at DENVER BRONCOS

The main event of everybody's weekend, right? Big Ben against Jesus. Date Rapist versus Humanitarian. Cool versus Good. I know Ben has an ankle injury, I know that Mendenhall is done for the year, and I know that Ryan Clark can't play in the high altitude due to his illness. I understand all of that. Listen to me very carefully...IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! Denver can't score any points. A hobbled Ben, a back-up running back, and that wide-receiving core can still put up points. The Steelers defense will embarrass the Denver offense more than Tebow will. This is a no-brainer, lock-stock, call Vegas pick of the weekend.

Pittsburgh 17 - Denver 3

So there you have it, kids. The Gospel itself. As always, if I'm wrong on any of these picks it's because I've been drinking. Enjoy Wild Card Weekend!