Said The Dolphin To The Horse

I have sympathy for you, Indianapolis Colts, fresh off your shellacking from the New Orleans' Saints.

Losing sucks, and losing in the most embarrassing way is even worse.

Trust me, I know.

As I watched the Saints pile on the points, I turned to a co-worker and asked, "Why are they beating their asses so badly, do they owe them money?"

It looked like a cliche, cheesy mafia movie. "We're gonna kill you, your family, your mailman, your dog-sitter, and your AA sponsor...they're all dead!" It wasn't a football game, it was a massacre.

It was the kind of beat-down that worried me. It looked as if you have given up hope.

Please, please, please do not do this, Indianapolis. You must not give up, you must not give in, and for God sakes, you must fight! Fight to the brink of doom!

I admit Indianapolis, that my investment is not in your well-being, but rather in the hopeful adoration that the Miami Dolphins be the worst team in the National Football League. I want Andrew Luck--no--I NEED Andrew Luck for the Dolphins. It's the only thing keeping me from choking on a cyanide pill.

Don't be greedy, you have had Peyton Manning, the greatest quarterback ever. You always make the playoffs. You ruled the last decade. You've won a Super Bowl in the time that I've been alive. It just would not be fair if you got Andrew Luck after only six months of misery. I've been miserable my whole life!

The Dolphins last made the Super Bowl the year before I was born and got worked over in it anyways. We've made the playoffs but I like to call those "wife-beating" days. I'm just kidding, I'm not married. Next week our quarterback is probably going to be, "Hey you, you want to come down from those stands and play quarterback for the Miami Dolphins?"

Don't do this to me. I try to be a good guy. I'm aware of breast cancer!

You must summon inner power and rise up to greet this challenge. Use this latest ass-kicking as a jump-off point. So the Saints can just treat you like that and get away with it? I don't think so! Go out there and take it out on your next opponent, the Tennessee Titans. You hate those guys! It's a division opponent, they're aren't that great either, and you have animosity built up! Unleash it!

It's like this, Colts, I have been dragged through shit and fire being a Dolphins fan and the only glimmer of a vanilla-scented aloe wipe that I've seen in a long time is Andrew Luck. Do the right thing and bow out. Start winning or I'm going to start doing methamphetamines.