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Friday, July 15, 2016

Rainbows

Greetings and salutations, this is Biscuits...er...Charles, sorry, Dad has called me Biscuits enough to make it stick.

I wanted to reach out to the fans of the Studly Pastures and explain that Dad has gone into what he likes to call 'radio silence.'  I don't get it either but it's not because of my smaller unicorn-sized brain but because this isn't the radio.

Normally this time of year is awesome around here and we're partying like it's nobody's business and I've never understood that human phrase because what happens at a party that people aren't supposed to know about?  Anyways, it's normally our anniversary around here and we should be celebrating the start of our seventh year as a unicorn stud farm but instead Dad is being a jerk and just sulking around the place.

He hasn't been writing since some guy named Patton Merning decided to be a 'nutsack-dropping, Oreo-loving, human excuse for a forehead' somewhere else instead of the NFL.  At least that's what Dad says, but I don't know that guy.  And before that...well...we were really upset about some bad stuff that happened in the Motherland.

But we're better now because we understand things a little better now.  You see, as unicorns, we are really good at understanding things about life and love and pretty colors and cool things like grass and rainbows.  It was hard for us before because we did not understand why anybody would want to hurt anybody else.  We're not very smart, mostly due to this large, spiraled growth coming out of our heads, but we try to learn as best we can and Dad helps us.  He says that people hurt other people because they're 'dumb dumbs and not very nice at all.'  He also taught me how to use this 'quote thingy'.

Anyways, Dad is pretty upset, and he has been for a while and we've all been trying to cheer him up.  We asked him if he wanted to go see the Miami Dolphins play where we live next month and he said, "Why the Hell would I pay money to sit in the hot sun and watch 53 jerks be terrible at their job?"  So then we said we would take him to a baseball game and he said, "Hello?  Do you guys even listen to the news at all?  The Rays are terrible again.  Welcome to every year before 2008!"

Dad yells a lot...not at us...but around us.  He's been carrying on a lot lately about the 'NBA has effectively made itself as irrelevant as the NHL due in large part to how the collective bargaining agreement was wool pulled over the commissioner's eyes.'  He's also been really big on some guy named Dave or Tease?  I'm not sure but he said that, "Dave or Tease's retiring year campaign is completely superficial because we all know he's a cheater but he hit those home runs that sparked the comeback for Boston in that ALCS that brought in huge ratings already and Big Baseball was freaking out because New York was up 3-0 and if they swept they wouldn't have been able to rake in the millions, and millions, and muellllliioooonnns they raked in because Boston came back and...gasp...gasp...I'm sorry for yelling but it makes me angry that we glorify someone simply because they say I can't play baseball next year."  I think I nailed that.  It's a long paragraph for someone with hooves.

He's getting better though I think.  Yesterday was our holiday and he said we would go to the park but when he came home from work he just went right into his room.  I hope he's okay.

I guess I liked all the stories and I was sad that they weren't coming anymore so I wanted to jump in here and see who was still around.  I hope they come back.

I hope you're okay.

-Biscuits


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