Quick! When's the last time you were filling out a job application and you looked down and saw the box asking you the question, "Do you like girls? Check Yes or No"?
Well if you are applying to be in the National Football League, this is a hot-button issue, and we have reason to believe you cannot adequately fulfill your football duties if you are not interested in females.
Sure, you can run fast as hell and you're stronger than a horse that drank milk for ten years (just run with it) but do you get excited when you see breasts? Because you better. They're breasts for Christ sakes, what's wrong with you?
And if you don't, you better freakin' lie! This is a macho business filled with macho men that slap each other's asses and shower together on a daily basis and we don't want anybody getting the wrong idea around here!
So at the NFL combine, Colorado tight end Nick Kasa said that several teams probed him on his sexual orientation. Wait, tight end? What the hell is this? The National Fairy League!? Burn him! And they probed him? All this innuendo is suppressing my ability to like breasts. I need some air.
The greatest part about all of this is the fantasy world that the NFL is living in. The NFL very clearly doesn't want gay people to play in their sport. They're a fraternity that's run by a bunch of dinosaurs that are from a very different time and refuse to adjust with the rest of the waking world. Hopefully things will change once these naive sons of bitches start kicking the bucket but for now we're stuck with things like this. But I mention fantasy world because I find it absolutely hilarious that their solution to their "problem" is to simply ask them if they like girls.
So maybe they aren't a bunch of fogey hate-mongerers...they're just middle schoolers, apparently.
Well, bad news NFL, there's flaws in your system. Players have come out after their NFL days and declared that they are gay. They like to kiss boys and something tells me that didn't magically happen one day they woke up in their forties. They were probably gay in the NFL too.
But I don't understand. How did we not notice the subtleties? Were there not signs? Did they not seem to really, really want to tackle somebody...a little too much? Did they not give pregame speeches straight from West Side Story? Did they not find the alternate uniforms to be too much of a color clash?
When this story broke, I read it, and promptly thought, "That's about right." I'm not shocked by the NFL anymore. I'm not shocked that a business that runs itself like a fraternity doesn't want homosexuals. I'm not shocked that it's 2013 and this is still happening because its probably always going to happen.
Nine out of ten people will read this and think that it's absolutely ludicrous. And one person will think it's absolutely status quo and the cycle will repeat itself. You can take this article and every time I wrote NFL and replace it with either: military, public schools, government, organised crime, etc. and it will still be applicable.
I knew growing up that we lived in a world predicated by breasts. I covet them like Gollum from Lord of the Rings...they're...my...precious. I guess I just never realized that I'm capable of doing my job correctly because of my love of breasts.
Time to update the ol' resume.
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