Super Blaaaaagggghhhh

This is a really fun weekend for me. Being a sports fan, the Super Bowl is about as good as it gets. I take solace in knowing that the two best teams around have made it to the big game.

END SCENE.

When I think of this weekend, I want to make up my own word. The best one I can come up with is shitacular. The exact opposite of spectacular has to be shitacular.

Boston versus New York?! Are you kidding me? Doesn't the general public get their fill of this during the baseball season (and to a lesser extent, lesser sports) that we can reserve the Big Game for, uh, I don't know...SOMEBODY ELSE.

New York against Boston is about as compelling as shooting myself in the foot with a nail gun. Initially my reaction is justified but then I'm just another guy with a nail in his foot.

First off, the Patriots have made it to another Super Bowl. If I awake Monday morning to Satan himself telling me that this has been my own personal Hell this whole time, I would not be surprised in the slightest. A life in which Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are the most successful quarterback-coach tandem is a life most tortured.

Another one?! Another Super Bowl? Go screw yourselves. Rooting for the Patriots is even worse than being Atheist. At least I stand for something.

Tom Brady reminds me of that douche bag from 'Tin Cup'. He hates children, old people, and dogs.

Second of all, the New York Giants don't even have the pride (money) to play in actual New York. They have to put a Band-Aid over Jersey and declare it Giants Stadium as if we are all oblivious to zoning laws.

Eli Manning is an enigma. He's had a bad case of Older Brother Syndrome his whole life and it's gone straight to his tiny head. Eli wins games--in the fourth quarter no less--but if I get to choose a franchise quarterback for my up and coming team, he's not in the top five. He just simply isn't. You don't take Eli before Rodgers, Brees, Brady, Rivers, or even Stafford.

However, with the exception of Brady, none of those quarterbacks are playing for their second title in five years. That's why Eli is the enigma. You always count him out, but yet there he is in the championship game.

It shouldn't be any surprise to anybody that reads this blog or knows me in person that I want nothing but pain and suffering for the New England Patriots. That's exactly what they've caused me the past decade, so it's only natural to wish upon them the same. As I begrudgingly hope the New York Giants win the Super Bowl, I have some concerns.

I hear you talking, Giants, about how you are in Brady's head and blah, blah, blah. Stop it! Are you kidding me? The Patriots are a machine. They have no emotion, no brain, and no psyche for you to get into. They take your best weapon and neutralize it. You aren't in Tom Brady's head, you are in your own heads.

Which brings me to 2007. The Patriots were supposed to cruise to their perfect season and crush the Giants in the Super Bowl. Well, it didn't happen. The Giants won and we all danced around like the munchkins after the Wicked Witch found herself on the giving end of a house. It was eerily similar to how the Patriots won in 2001 against the "Greatest Show on Turf" Rams.

Now? Everybody is walking around with swagger like they own the place. It's disturbing.

There's nothing I like more than confidence. With that said, just shut the hell up, Giants. Shut it. Don't talk, at all. Hey, I hope you do sack Tom Brady on every single drop back, but stop talking about it!

I'm telling you, Belichick goes home and stares at the wall and thinks of ways to hurt teams. He's not a Zen master, he's not brilliant, he's not a legend--he's an asshole in a hoodie, that's it.

So, regardless of the outcome, either New York or Boston will have another title. Whoop-de-doo. I'll try and contain my excitement.

I'm from New York--and I CAN'T STAND THEM! Not just the Giants, but the whole deal. And the Patriots? I almost just threw up.

Just like last year, go ahead and wake me up in April for the draft.