I have been keeping up the ol' Studly Pastures blog for over four years now, I've watched sports much longer than that, and I've even been paid in legal tender for some of the things I have written and I honestly cannot sit here and tell you why Robinson Cano deserves $240 million.
Take that $240 million, halve it, then halve it again, then halve it two more times and that's what I would pay a 31-year old second baseman over two years. I'm obviously a huge proponent of sabermetrics because I follow the Tampa Bay Rays and I thought that the Seattle Mariners were trying to be scholars of the same train of thought but then they just throw us a wicked googly like this and I just...I just...don't get it! I don't get it! Take that money, invest it in pitching and solid defense and on-base percentage and now you've just taken a small-market team and made them competitive in a big-market team world. Take that money, invest it in one guy and you've sunk your battleship. You're just begging for a disaster, aren't you? What if he gets hurt? What if he has a down year? What if, God forbid, he starts declining in every major statistical category like most ballplayers do after 30?
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Southeast of San Francisco and west of Last Vegas, Nevada have taken the liberty of making colossal failures of huge contracts for you, Seattle, and you chose to ignore them even though they are in your same division! Albert Pujols and Josh Hamilton were the lucky recipients of great agents and a terrible precedent for a free-agent market in Major League Baseball. And the Angels were victims of both and the men in charge of making those deals no longer have any hair or functional livers.
Not you, Seattle. You had to painfully part with your boy, Ichiro. You salvaged enough money to lock up Felix Hernandez. You bought bargain basement players so you could plan for the future. You had a PLAN, Seattle, I know you did! Then one night you got drunk and went out and had a little too much fun and when you woke up in the morning there was a 31-year old Dominican man in your bed and he wants breakfast, you naive jerks.
For your stocking stuffer, Seattle Mariners, you get a copy of Moneyball. DVD, not Blueray. Sit there and watch how Brad Pitt wheels and deals irrelevant names for other irrelevant names and is successful but never wins anything meaningful just like sabermetrics has proven thus far.
As always, if I was trying to be a successful sports blogger, I would never bother with mentioning the US men's soccer team because there's probably like a whole two of you that actually care about the next words that appear on your screen but then again here we are.
I love soccer and I love the US men's soccer team and I stand up for them even when they don't deserve it. They're like my fictional son that sucks at sports but is out there every single day trying his little heart out and just not squaring up at all with the other kids. And after every match I take him out for ice cream and he's really proud of himself for trying and I just sit there trying not to let him see my shame and I'm secretly glad he had to settle for strawberry because they were out of mint and chocolate chip.
With that said, the US team got hosed today for the World Cup draw. Our opponents? Oh just some no-name countries that never play soccer because they're great economically and stuff. Ghana, Portugal, and Germany. Are you kidding me? Talk about a total non-invite. If you didn't want us to come to your party, you could have just said so, Brazil!
I know a lot of readers won't take the time to wikipedia a lot of the soccer jargon I use in this blog so I'll help you out and secretly tell you it's never good to be in something dubbed the "group of death". They call it that because the World Cup doesn't start until next July and we've already been given our 'Participant' ribbons.
For your stocking stuffer, US men's soccer team, you get the board game, Risk. It's a strategic board game of world domination and NOBODY can take that away from you. Get 'em, boys!
In the NFL world, Gary Kubiak was mercifully fired today as head coach of the Houston Texans and that's honestly best for him and his health. If you truly love something you set it free and that's exactly what Houston is doing for their fans this year by making Wade Phillips the interim head coach. Look, Kubiak had to go, that much was clear, but I wouldn't make Wade Phillips the interim 'puzzled look while hands on hips guy' and he's really, really good at that.
I feel partially responsible for Kubiak's departure because I picked Houston to go to the Super Bowl this year and that's basically a kiss of death. And I would be sad for him but he's going to get a nice coordinator job next year that's less demanding and it will be great for his health and his kids won't have to spend Christmas at the Phillips' household and I'm thankful for that because we all know that's gotta be really, really disgusting. I heard he likes to sacrifice a live pig and let the blood flow down his naked chest. I just shuddered and gagged at the same time.
Houston isn't very good this year. In fact, they're pretty terrible. They made Jacksonville look decent enough and they won't even sign Tebow to stay relevant. So the Houston Texans did what the NFL demands from losers trying to get better and that's to start completely over from scratch and be out of contention for at least the next four years, if you're lucky. Does the rhetoric that you get rid of the highest titled and most recognized figure to get better as a whole fly in any other scenario than medieval times? It's only a revolution if you win.
For your stocking stuffer, Gary Kubiak, you get a very polite and official interview as offensive coordinator for the Washington Redskins next year! You deserve it, you're just the scapegoat, and you'll probably still end up being a quarterbacks coach or something equally demeaning.
Finally, I'm like a lot of you right now playing in all of the fantasy football playoffs that aren't worth anything other than pride and bragging rights. While those things are cool, I too like cold hard cash and am very ashamed at myself for not making it where it really counts. Stop for a minute for a 'that's what she said' joke.
Let me remind you fantasy players that March Madness is pretty much right around the corner and this year we get to do a World Cup bracket too and both of those things are crap shoots. So rejoice, fellow failures, and know that blind luck could possibly be in your favor fairly shortly.
For your stocking stuffer, fantasy football playoff miss-outs, I give you false hope. Hey, at least it's something.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Crow Before Turkey
We've reached that time of year again, kiddos, where I start getting excited because football games are starting to really matter.
Of course they all MATTER but now we're starting to separate the cream from whatever else is in the same mixture as cream...the goop I guess. Is it goop? Goop has to be something because I know it's a word.
Anyways, I think this would be as good as a time as any to check in on my progress and see how I'm doing in my annual NFL picks that I did in The Grand Return...and OH MY GOD I PICKED HOUSTON TO GO TO THE SUPER BOWL!
Houston what in the hell happened to you?! Did Matt Schaub age ten years in some horrible science experiment gone wrong? He got benched for a guy named Case. His name is Case, you know, the thing you put stuff in? Where's my reading glasses? They're in the case, for crying out loud. Things are so bad down there in Houston that Gary Kubiak suffered a warning stroke when his team had a lead in a game! Which, by the way, scares the ever-loving crap out of me because apparently the warning for a stroke is a stroke. Screw you, human body.
At least Seattle is doing really well. I can stand behind that pick like I did the Ravens last year. Houston is going all New Orleans 2012 on me. So do I break even?
Alright, let me wash myself clean of that epic bed crapping and make some fresh marks for some Thanksgiving 2013 picks! Speaking of Marks and Thanksgiving, today is actually the one year anniversary of the all-time worst play in NFL history, the Butt Fumble. Mark Sanchez is a pretty good sport about it though and actually gave me extra sprinkles on my sundae at Dairy Queen last week. He's finally found his calling.
On to the picks!
PACKERS at LIONS: Hmm the opener is a divisional game in a division that's wide open for anybody not in the city of Minnesota...I'm intrigued. I might have to turn off the Westminster Dog Show off a little early for this one. Hopefully Aaron Rodgers returns to the field for this game or obviously the luster is a little less than perfect but quite honestly I think the edge is still slightly with the home team. They have Calvin Johnson, nicknamed Megatron, but he might really be a robot...in disguise. The man is a beast and will not be stopped by anything short of a mugging and even then you better have a gun. I think we're in store for a shoot-out with an early decision to kick a field goal being the difference maker. DETROIT over GREEN BAY 31-28.
RAIDERS at COWBOYS: And time to go back and watch the dog show. I'm kidding, but seriously, Oakland still fields a professional team? They haven't been relegated to the Arena League yet? Here's what I think: it's Thanksgiving, the Cowboys have home-field advantage, and the Raiders don't have Bo Jackson anymore. Yet the 'Boys are quite the enigma, aren't they? They always drop a few clunkers and head-scratchers every few weeks or so. I don't blame Tony Romo though because that defense has not looked good with Monte Kiffin at the helm. I think Ol' Kiff should walk away after this year and go find a cocoon somewhere. DALLAS over OAKLAND 35-17.
STEELERS at RAVENS: Boy this game looked compelling at the beginning of the year but now you can go ahead and blame it on the Tryptophan and nod off a little early. Watching Big Ben carry around all that dead-weight makes me tired anyways. Baltimore is projectedly bad but not as bad as Pittsburgh because they have at least more than one guy who hasn't entirely given up. Defense reigns supreme in this one and the birds take it. BALTIMORE over PITTSBURGH 17-9.
Makes you not even want to watch now, right? Eh, I'll still tune in. Gives me something to do. Miami still prefers to take their craps in the Obscurity Toilet, I've been on the David Price Trade Watch for about two weeks now, and my fantasy football team is hanging on by a short and curly. Only UCF is making me proud now to set me up for the total annihilation they will receive in whatever BCS bowl they get. Happy thoughts, right?
Kids, enjoy your parade, enjoy your dog show, enjoy your football games, and have a happy Thanksgiving!
Of course they all MATTER but now we're starting to separate the cream from whatever else is in the same mixture as cream...the goop I guess. Is it goop? Goop has to be something because I know it's a word.
Anyways, I think this would be as good as a time as any to check in on my progress and see how I'm doing in my annual NFL picks that I did in The Grand Return...and OH MY GOD I PICKED HOUSTON TO GO TO THE SUPER BOWL!
Houston what in the hell happened to you?! Did Matt Schaub age ten years in some horrible science experiment gone wrong? He got benched for a guy named Case. His name is Case, you know, the thing you put stuff in? Where's my reading glasses? They're in the case, for crying out loud. Things are so bad down there in Houston that Gary Kubiak suffered a warning stroke when his team had a lead in a game! Which, by the way, scares the ever-loving crap out of me because apparently the warning for a stroke is a stroke. Screw you, human body.
At least Seattle is doing really well. I can stand behind that pick like I did the Ravens last year. Houston is going all New Orleans 2012 on me. So do I break even?
Alright, let me wash myself clean of that epic bed crapping and make some fresh marks for some Thanksgiving 2013 picks! Speaking of Marks and Thanksgiving, today is actually the one year anniversary of the all-time worst play in NFL history, the Butt Fumble. Mark Sanchez is a pretty good sport about it though and actually gave me extra sprinkles on my sundae at Dairy Queen last week. He's finally found his calling.
On to the picks!
PACKERS at LIONS: Hmm the opener is a divisional game in a division that's wide open for anybody not in the city of Minnesota...I'm intrigued. I might have to turn off the Westminster Dog Show off a little early for this one. Hopefully Aaron Rodgers returns to the field for this game or obviously the luster is a little less than perfect but quite honestly I think the edge is still slightly with the home team. They have Calvin Johnson, nicknamed Megatron, but he might really be a robot...in disguise. The man is a beast and will not be stopped by anything short of a mugging and even then you better have a gun. I think we're in store for a shoot-out with an early decision to kick a field goal being the difference maker. DETROIT over GREEN BAY 31-28.
RAIDERS at COWBOYS: And time to go back and watch the dog show. I'm kidding, but seriously, Oakland still fields a professional team? They haven't been relegated to the Arena League yet? Here's what I think: it's Thanksgiving, the Cowboys have home-field advantage, and the Raiders don't have Bo Jackson anymore. Yet the 'Boys are quite the enigma, aren't they? They always drop a few clunkers and head-scratchers every few weeks or so. I don't blame Tony Romo though because that defense has not looked good with Monte Kiffin at the helm. I think Ol' Kiff should walk away after this year and go find a cocoon somewhere. DALLAS over OAKLAND 35-17.
STEELERS at RAVENS: Boy this game looked compelling at the beginning of the year but now you can go ahead and blame it on the Tryptophan and nod off a little early. Watching Big Ben carry around all that dead-weight makes me tired anyways. Baltimore is projectedly bad but not as bad as Pittsburgh because they have at least more than one guy who hasn't entirely given up. Defense reigns supreme in this one and the birds take it. BALTIMORE over PITTSBURGH 17-9.
Makes you not even want to watch now, right? Eh, I'll still tune in. Gives me something to do. Miami still prefers to take their craps in the Obscurity Toilet, I've been on the David Price Trade Watch for about two weeks now, and my fantasy football team is hanging on by a short and curly. Only UCF is making me proud now to set me up for the total annihilation they will receive in whatever BCS bowl they get. Happy thoughts, right?
Kids, enjoy your parade, enjoy your dog show, enjoy your football games, and have a happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Bully League
When I woke up this morning and shimmied on my trousers and started to prepare for the daily toil like the rest of the waking world a single thought crept up on my brain: Man, wouldn't it be great not to be a Miami Dolphins fan right now?
I feel like anything associated with the Miami Dolphins right now is one giant piss stain and for once my ire isn't directed at X's and O's and wins and losses. I'm pissed at Richie Incognito, I'm pissed at Miami's coaches, and I'm so pissed with the 'NFL Powers That Be' that it's starting to stain!
First off, is something I've already covered, and that's the NFL is archaic. They're running a young man's game in a modern world and they're friggin' dinosaurs! To put things short and simple it's 2013 and the NFL is just now investigating a possible link between a sport where people get their heads bashed in and long-term concussion symptoms. They're not exactly 'with it' these days.
The NFL likes to use words like 'fraternity' and 'old school' and 'brotherhood' and it's all bullshit rhetoric for "we're a bunch of cavemen that refuse to change". And those roots are so deep that people today are AFRAID to change those ways until something like the Dolphins story breaks.
There's room for hazing in the NFL. Christ, most of today's rookies are getting paid more than ten-year veterans. Give them a bad haircut, make them carry your pads, and give them cold showers. That's all clean and good. But when a veritable psychopath is leaving you threatening voicemails and extorting you for $15K I think it's time to pull the plug on the whole ordeal.
And that's exactly what Richie Incognito did to Jonathan Martin. He threatened him, he extorted him, and he took away his feeling of safety at his own clubhouse. Where's your brotherhood now?
Martin is a Stanford grad, a smart young man, playing a position on the offensive line where most smart young men thrive in the NFL. He's a thinker. Incognito is both an explosive and implosive atomic bomb. He has no regard for safety, including his own, and probably doesn't fear anything except for maybe having to read a few books. He is a thug and a bruiser and a perfect offensive lineman and that's why the Dolphins had him on their team. Sometimes you want to win so bad that you sacrifice little things like ethics and human decency and maybe just maybe this psychopath will learn how to bottle it up and harness his energy protecting Ryan Tannehill. And the path to Hell is paved with good intentions.
And wouldn't you know it, Martin eventually had enough and reached his breaking point and decided that he didn't want to go to work anymore. Who knows what the final straw was but if you threaten to slap my momma in the face I'm going to have a few issues with you. Plus, that's how you determine how tough you are, right? Slapping people's moms? Makes sense to me.
Now the Dolphins are in crisis mode. Incognito has been "suspended" and the team is reaching out to Martin and blah blah blah. It doesn't matter. This didn't start with Incognito and it won't end with him. This is a much bigger problem than one guy and it's not going to get any better until some clear thinking individuals take charge of the NFL and make them realize that we no longer do business in the stone age.
I feel for Martin. He doesn't deserve any of this and he's thrust right in the middle by one crazy guy and a long line of brutality.
The good thing about dinosaurs though is that they eventually die out and we put their bones in museums and tell our children, "Look Johnny, this is a stegosaurus...they had walnut-sized brains."
I feel like anything associated with the Miami Dolphins right now is one giant piss stain and for once my ire isn't directed at X's and O's and wins and losses. I'm pissed at Richie Incognito, I'm pissed at Miami's coaches, and I'm so pissed with the 'NFL Powers That Be' that it's starting to stain!
First off, is something I've already covered, and that's the NFL is archaic. They're running a young man's game in a modern world and they're friggin' dinosaurs! To put things short and simple it's 2013 and the NFL is just now investigating a possible link between a sport where people get their heads bashed in and long-term concussion symptoms. They're not exactly 'with it' these days.
The NFL likes to use words like 'fraternity' and 'old school' and 'brotherhood' and it's all bullshit rhetoric for "we're a bunch of cavemen that refuse to change". And those roots are so deep that people today are AFRAID to change those ways until something like the Dolphins story breaks.
There's room for hazing in the NFL. Christ, most of today's rookies are getting paid more than ten-year veterans. Give them a bad haircut, make them carry your pads, and give them cold showers. That's all clean and good. But when a veritable psychopath is leaving you threatening voicemails and extorting you for $15K I think it's time to pull the plug on the whole ordeal.
And that's exactly what Richie Incognito did to Jonathan Martin. He threatened him, he extorted him, and he took away his feeling of safety at his own clubhouse. Where's your brotherhood now?
Martin is a Stanford grad, a smart young man, playing a position on the offensive line where most smart young men thrive in the NFL. He's a thinker. Incognito is both an explosive and implosive atomic bomb. He has no regard for safety, including his own, and probably doesn't fear anything except for maybe having to read a few books. He is a thug and a bruiser and a perfect offensive lineman and that's why the Dolphins had him on their team. Sometimes you want to win so bad that you sacrifice little things like ethics and human decency and maybe just maybe this psychopath will learn how to bottle it up and harness his energy protecting Ryan Tannehill. And the path to Hell is paved with good intentions.
And wouldn't you know it, Martin eventually had enough and reached his breaking point and decided that he didn't want to go to work anymore. Who knows what the final straw was but if you threaten to slap my momma in the face I'm going to have a few issues with you. Plus, that's how you determine how tough you are, right? Slapping people's moms? Makes sense to me.
Now the Dolphins are in crisis mode. Incognito has been "suspended" and the team is reaching out to Martin and blah blah blah. It doesn't matter. This didn't start with Incognito and it won't end with him. This is a much bigger problem than one guy and it's not going to get any better until some clear thinking individuals take charge of the NFL and make them realize that we no longer do business in the stone age.
I feel for Martin. He doesn't deserve any of this and he's thrust right in the middle by one crazy guy and a long line of brutality.
The good thing about dinosaurs though is that they eventually die out and we put their bones in museums and tell our children, "Look Johnny, this is a stegosaurus...they had walnut-sized brains."
Saturday, October 19, 2013
You CAN Finish!
Kids, I know that most of you that read this blog know exactly who I am and continue to read this blog for that reason and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. But would you believe there are those that read it simply for the material? I know, it blows my mind too.
I'm looking at you, Latvia.
So, you sons and daughters of the great nation (republic? city-state? tribe?...eh...not worth it) of Latvia, let me give you some very brief background information. I owe you at least the tip of the iceberg...just the tip.
When I was a strapping young lad I attended the University of Central Florida for several reasons: for starters I wanted to better myself, secondly they seemed very proactive in bettering themselves, and finally they had an on-campus Wendy's. I love Wendy's. I don't even give a crap that their hamburgers are square because they are absolutely delicious and they should totally make a Frosty dipping sauce for their chicken nuggets so I can just board myself up in a room with hundreds of them.
Anyways, and it should stand to mention, that this was just a little over ten years ago. My direction was clear: I hated math, I hated "hands on" material, and computer science was out the window when I realized that Minesweeper was not a cool game.
I'm a writer, through and through, and I've always grown up with the "me talk pretty one day" attitude so I leaned towards what I could speak through and that was always obvious for this 115 lb. white kid: Sports.
I joined the journalism program, started writing for the school paper, and started getting sweet gigs like women's tennis and the track and field team. But I embraced it. I had no choice.
Plus, the football team wasn't exactly tearing it up. It wasn't, what we would say, the hot beat. They sucked. And they sucked. And then they sucked some more. Basically they were terrible.
*Quick side note: For those of you that read this that didn't attend UCF and don't have any clue what Spirit Splash is, well it's basically this great opportunity for students to jump around our huge central fountain but it's also a pep rally for the football team. My first Spirit Splash was with Mike Kruczek (pronounced croo-check) and despite starting horribly that year he promised he would win against (insert team here). He didn't, and he also didn't finish the season employed by UCF. Enter interim coach to finish the season and then enter George O'Leary the next year.
O'Leary to me has always been an enigma. He was in the NFL as an assistant, and then was supposed to coach the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but he "mistakenly" "wrote" "he" "graduated" with "a" "masters" when he really didn't. So he funneled down to UCF.
"Great. Our new head coach of our shitty football team is a liar. That's fitting." - Me, circa 2004
O'Leary did what he could the first couple of years and then he found the age-old response to playing good football: get a running game and a defense and the rest just falls into your hands. In 2007, my last year at UCF, Kevin Smith tore off and became the second-leading rusher of all-time behind some guy named Barry Sanders. We now had our own on-campus stadium, we almost beat Texas, and we were wrecking havoc in the Conference USA (and the collective just sighed and said "yeah, that's a tough conference!" and my response to that is building blocks!).
That's our thing, though. If you were a big name school, or ranked, we would show up and make it a great game but we would inevitably bow out and lose. And that's how it happened each and every time and every single time it happened I was on the edge of my seat.
For the last seven years, I have had nothing to do with the UCF newspaper but I can't help but think back to my days there and just wonder what the guy reporting on the football team was going through with each heartbreaking loss.
I know what I was going through. Almost...almost...and nothing. How many times can you get gut-punched without throwing up? I've thrown up like six times.
Well kids, I wrote all that, to get to this. UCF marched their proud, underdog asses into Louisville tonight to take on the eighth ranked team in the nation and a quarterback that is a favorite for the Heisman Trophy.
And with five seconds left on the clock, Teddy Bridgewater's Hail Mary hit the dirt and I hung my head. I didn't hang my head in shame or even in disbelief--I hung my head because I felt I might cry. They did it. They actually did it. They finally won the game that they couldn't for as long as I can remember. UCF was always the bridesmaid and never the bride--and it happened for so long that I grew a callus on my heart. Yet, I must admit, if that damn ball found it's way into the hands of a Cardinal I might have driven to Kentucky just to burn the whole damn state down. Take that, flatheads.
This is going to sound incredibly corny but I need to increase my female audience. I went to UCF to better myself with a dream in my head and I sit here today, totally different, but with that same dream. Dammit, I want to inspire, and if I can't inspire, I want to make you cry, and if I can't make you cry, then...I guess I'll settle for making you laugh.
UCF's win tonight wasn't just a win for one football team. It was a win for all the alumni, it was a win for all their fans, it was a win for people like me, and it was also a win for the lucky bastard that gets to write about this in the Central Florida Future.
I'm jealous and proud at the same time and I couldn't be happier.
I'm looking at you, Latvia.
So, you sons and daughters of the great nation (republic? city-state? tribe?...eh...not worth it) of Latvia, let me give you some very brief background information. I owe you at least the tip of the iceberg...just the tip.
When I was a strapping young lad I attended the University of Central Florida for several reasons: for starters I wanted to better myself, secondly they seemed very proactive in bettering themselves, and finally they had an on-campus Wendy's. I love Wendy's. I don't even give a crap that their hamburgers are square because they are absolutely delicious and they should totally make a Frosty dipping sauce for their chicken nuggets so I can just board myself up in a room with hundreds of them.
Anyways, and it should stand to mention, that this was just a little over ten years ago. My direction was clear: I hated math, I hated "hands on" material, and computer science was out the window when I realized that Minesweeper was not a cool game.
I'm a writer, through and through, and I've always grown up with the "me talk pretty one day" attitude so I leaned towards what I could speak through and that was always obvious for this 115 lb. white kid: Sports.
I joined the journalism program, started writing for the school paper, and started getting sweet gigs like women's tennis and the track and field team. But I embraced it. I had no choice.
Plus, the football team wasn't exactly tearing it up. It wasn't, what we would say, the hot beat. They sucked. And they sucked. And then they sucked some more. Basically they were terrible.
*Quick side note: For those of you that read this that didn't attend UCF and don't have any clue what Spirit Splash is, well it's basically this great opportunity for students to jump around our huge central fountain but it's also a pep rally for the football team. My first Spirit Splash was with Mike Kruczek (pronounced croo-check) and despite starting horribly that year he promised he would win against (insert team here). He didn't, and he also didn't finish the season employed by UCF. Enter interim coach to finish the season and then enter George O'Leary the next year.
O'Leary to me has always been an enigma. He was in the NFL as an assistant, and then was supposed to coach the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but he "mistakenly" "wrote" "he" "graduated" with "a" "masters" when he really didn't. So he funneled down to UCF.
"Great. Our new head coach of our shitty football team is a liar. That's fitting." - Me, circa 2004
O'Leary did what he could the first couple of years and then he found the age-old response to playing good football: get a running game and a defense and the rest just falls into your hands. In 2007, my last year at UCF, Kevin Smith tore off and became the second-leading rusher of all-time behind some guy named Barry Sanders. We now had our own on-campus stadium, we almost beat Texas, and we were wrecking havoc in the Conference USA (and the collective just sighed and said "yeah, that's a tough conference!" and my response to that is building blocks!).
That's our thing, though. If you were a big name school, or ranked, we would show up and make it a great game but we would inevitably bow out and lose. And that's how it happened each and every time and every single time it happened I was on the edge of my seat.
For the last seven years, I have had nothing to do with the UCF newspaper but I can't help but think back to my days there and just wonder what the guy reporting on the football team was going through with each heartbreaking loss.
I know what I was going through. Almost...almost...and nothing. How many times can you get gut-punched without throwing up? I've thrown up like six times.
Well kids, I wrote all that, to get to this. UCF marched their proud, underdog asses into Louisville tonight to take on the eighth ranked team in the nation and a quarterback that is a favorite for the Heisman Trophy.
And with five seconds left on the clock, Teddy Bridgewater's Hail Mary hit the dirt and I hung my head. I didn't hang my head in shame or even in disbelief--I hung my head because I felt I might cry. They did it. They actually did it. They finally won the game that they couldn't for as long as I can remember. UCF was always the bridesmaid and never the bride--and it happened for so long that I grew a callus on my heart. Yet, I must admit, if that damn ball found it's way into the hands of a Cardinal I might have driven to Kentucky just to burn the whole damn state down. Take that, flatheads.
This is going to sound incredibly corny but I need to increase my female audience. I went to UCF to better myself with a dream in my head and I sit here today, totally different, but with that same dream. Dammit, I want to inspire, and if I can't inspire, I want to make you cry, and if I can't make you cry, then...I guess I'll settle for making you laugh.
UCF's win tonight wasn't just a win for one football team. It was a win for all the alumni, it was a win for all their fans, it was a win for people like me, and it was also a win for the lucky bastard that gets to write about this in the Central Florida Future.
I'm jealous and proud at the same time and I couldn't be happier.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Let's Play Extras
I very rarely write about something before it happens and that's mostly because I'm better at reporting than I am at speculation.
But tonight, kids, the Tampa Bay Rays will play an extra game to determine who gets to punch their ticket to the post-season between them and the Texas Rangers.
And this scares the literal crap out of me--seriously, I just pooped.
All pants-crapping aside, it's moments like these that are perfect microcosms for why sports are great and incredibly brutal at the same time. Even if you aren't a baseball fan--or even a sports fan--imagine the one thing that you've worked towards for the better part of the year coming down to one, JUST ONE, pivotal moment and if you blow it then that's it. Better luck next year, kids.
If you screw up and lose it there's this overwhelming feel of everything you've just done has been for naught. Then comes the scrutinizing over "If I just did this one thing differently then maybe we wouldn't have even been here in the first place." It's absolutely agonizing.
But if you win...there's no greater feeling. It's the exact opposite with everything you've worked towards coming into fruition. You buy in. It was all worth it.
And as far as baseball goes I live vicariously through the Tampa Bay Rays and I know for a fact that others do the same.
I played baseball for a summer once, many moons ago, and there were two resounding moments that continually haunt me and they both happened at first base. For one, I hated the third baseman. He had a terrible arm and could never get the ball across the infield to me without skipping it along the ground and that for me was a nightmare because I couldn't play the hop to save my life. All I managed to do was get my glove down in time to form a little ramp for the ball to travel up my arm and pop me in the face. This was obviously the third baseman's fault.
Secondly, I can remember the pitcher walking off the mound towards first base while I had the ball waiting for me to throw it back to him only he kept getting closer and closer to me and for some reason I panicked thinking that if I threw him the ball like I normally do I would accidentally zing it right at his face. You know, because being thirteen and 80 pounds soaking wet, I had a canon for an arm that even a juiced up Roger Clemens was jealous of. Instead of just taking a little something off and just throwing it overhand per usual I decided to lob it underhand and very pathetically utter this "unnngggh" sound as I did it too. As soon as I did it I thought some guy would come over and take my glove and hat and say, "It's over, son." And he had every right.
So I decided that it was best to leave it to the professionals and since 1998 my professionals have been the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. I mean, Hell I can best relate to them: we both don't have very much money and we tell people we're from Tampa when really it's more like St. Petersburg.
The reality of it all? The Rays have to beat the Texas Rangers tonight, in Texas, for the right to face the Cleveland Indians, in Cleveland, for the right to play the Boston Red Sox, in Boston. A long shot? Of course it is. It's hard to play that many 'must win games' and expect to come out on top but, hey, I'm a student of the NCAA basketball tournament and the NFL playoffs. All of those are 'must win games' too and somebody comes out on top. Why not the Rays?
I might be crazy--in fact I probably am--but being born in New York and being asked why I'm not a Yankees fan is an easy answer for me. It's because the Rays are the good guys.
Look, I'm not asking you to be a Rays fan, or a baseball fan, or even a sports fan. I'm simply asking you to recognize what you really want in life and understand that some people want that from sports. I have watched and reported on sports for a long time and it's the most human thing I've ever seen. People stake their lives, their good name, and their entire future on a game. Why? Well they do it for you. And for me. And for themselves. It's a strange, strange thing but it's incredibly beautiful and heart breaking. Isn't that human enough for you?
So tonight I'll watch my Rays take on the Rangers with eager eyes while I simultaneously switch over to the Dolphins-Saints Monday Night Football game and maybe I'll have a really good night and maybe I'll have a really bad night. That's the whole point. All I know is that I'm excited about something that I have absolutely no control over and I hope you have something like that in your life.
But tonight, kids, the Tampa Bay Rays will play an extra game to determine who gets to punch their ticket to the post-season between them and the Texas Rangers.
And this scares the literal crap out of me--seriously, I just pooped.
All pants-crapping aside, it's moments like these that are perfect microcosms for why sports are great and incredibly brutal at the same time. Even if you aren't a baseball fan--or even a sports fan--imagine the one thing that you've worked towards for the better part of the year coming down to one, JUST ONE, pivotal moment and if you blow it then that's it. Better luck next year, kids.
If you screw up and lose it there's this overwhelming feel of everything you've just done has been for naught. Then comes the scrutinizing over "If I just did this one thing differently then maybe we wouldn't have even been here in the first place." It's absolutely agonizing.
But if you win...there's no greater feeling. It's the exact opposite with everything you've worked towards coming into fruition. You buy in. It was all worth it.
And as far as baseball goes I live vicariously through the Tampa Bay Rays and I know for a fact that others do the same.
I played baseball for a summer once, many moons ago, and there were two resounding moments that continually haunt me and they both happened at first base. For one, I hated the third baseman. He had a terrible arm and could never get the ball across the infield to me without skipping it along the ground and that for me was a nightmare because I couldn't play the hop to save my life. All I managed to do was get my glove down in time to form a little ramp for the ball to travel up my arm and pop me in the face. This was obviously the third baseman's fault.
Secondly, I can remember the pitcher walking off the mound towards first base while I had the ball waiting for me to throw it back to him only he kept getting closer and closer to me and for some reason I panicked thinking that if I threw him the ball like I normally do I would accidentally zing it right at his face. You know, because being thirteen and 80 pounds soaking wet, I had a canon for an arm that even a juiced up Roger Clemens was jealous of. Instead of just taking a little something off and just throwing it overhand per usual I decided to lob it underhand and very pathetically utter this "unnngggh" sound as I did it too. As soon as I did it I thought some guy would come over and take my glove and hat and say, "It's over, son." And he had every right.
So I decided that it was best to leave it to the professionals and since 1998 my professionals have been the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. I mean, Hell I can best relate to them: we both don't have very much money and we tell people we're from Tampa when really it's more like St. Petersburg.
The reality of it all? The Rays have to beat the Texas Rangers tonight, in Texas, for the right to face the Cleveland Indians, in Cleveland, for the right to play the Boston Red Sox, in Boston. A long shot? Of course it is. It's hard to play that many 'must win games' and expect to come out on top but, hey, I'm a student of the NCAA basketball tournament and the NFL playoffs. All of those are 'must win games' too and somebody comes out on top. Why not the Rays?
I might be crazy--in fact I probably am--but being born in New York and being asked why I'm not a Yankees fan is an easy answer for me. It's because the Rays are the good guys.
Look, I'm not asking you to be a Rays fan, or a baseball fan, or even a sports fan. I'm simply asking you to recognize what you really want in life and understand that some people want that from sports. I have watched and reported on sports for a long time and it's the most human thing I've ever seen. People stake their lives, their good name, and their entire future on a game. Why? Well they do it for you. And for me. And for themselves. It's a strange, strange thing but it's incredibly beautiful and heart breaking. Isn't that human enough for you?
So tonight I'll watch my Rays take on the Rangers with eager eyes while I simultaneously switch over to the Dolphins-Saints Monday Night Football game and maybe I'll have a really good night and maybe I'll have a really bad night. That's the whole point. All I know is that I'm excited about something that I have absolutely no control over and I hope you have something like that in your life.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Water Cooler Musings
It's been eleven years since the Miami Dolphins have started 3-0 so you'll have to bear with me for one moment...okay...let's move on.
What? You thought this would be a giant love-fest over the Miami Dolphins? Don't get me wrong--I couldn't be prouder and for a long, long time it's in the offense more than the defense. My little Fuzzby, Ryan Tannehill, is growing up and dare I say trying to reach Furby status. I'm proud of his composure, I'm proud of his ability to lead game-winning drives in perilous situations but the thing that I'm most proud of is that...well...if Miami has the ball and is one score away from winning it I officially have full faith in my little Fuzzby. I trust him to get it done. I am officially off of "here's where we blow it" status.
But I'm not on "WOOO! SUPER BOWL TIME! XOXOXOXOXO! GO DOLPHINS!"
And hopefully I'll never be that guy but I'm a grounded individual and it's a tough sport we're playing here and it's going to get tougher before it gets easier. What have the Dolphins achieved in starting 3-0? Well for one, they've made me tremendously happy. I haven't been excited like this for football in over a decade. But that's where it ends for me. I'm excited. Miami heads to New Orleans next Monday night for our first national stage game in over a year in enemy territory against the also undefeated Saints. This is a tough game here for the 'Phins. Win this and then I'll start using the Studly Pastures for our official Super Bowl or Bust campaign.
Speaking of things that haven't happened in a long, long time...the Kansas City Chiefs are also undefeated at 3-0! I don't think Denver and New England are nervous just quite yet but they are definitely scratching their heads and thinking, "What? No cake walk this year?" Nope.
I like Alex Smith. He was drafted No.1 overall in an 'eh' draft year and never seemed to really be accepted by his team even though he started doing 'eh' and then grew into a consistent player. Then he got hurt and never retained his job because Jim Harbaugh is still searching for his next Andrew Luck. So he got traded to the Chiefs, the 'worst' team in the league last year (Jacksonville) and now he's got this awesome 'Screw you, I'll show you all!' attitude and it's paired with Andy Reid's 'Screw you, I'll just stand here with the same expression on my face' and it appears to be working so far in Kansas City.
And now here's where I completely disavow the Cleveland Browns as an NFL franchise.
Are you kidding me? What's your deal? Do you like completely tormenting your fan-base year after excruciating year?
Let's step back for a second: last year you drafted Trent Richardson with the third overall pick and then you traded back into the first round to get Brandon Weeden. I never liked the Weeden pick, considering he's almost two years older than me and got to throw passes to Dez Bryant in college (making his numbers look a lot better) but you thought he was your saving grace, right? Well things didn't turn out so well last year and you brought in a new regime this year. They don't think Weeden is the answer either so they want to stockpile some draft picks and move up and be able to take one of the college quarterbacks coming out this year (the Teddy Bridgewaters and Johnny Manziels of the world). So...your solution was to trade Trent Richardson to the Indianapolis Colts.
Richardson had a very productive year last year but at the very least was your most dynamic playmaker on offense. The CEO of the Browns who doesn't deserve to have his name listed here came on after the trade and said that the Browns were looking to be successful in the future...by trading their best weapon.
Okay, sure, let's assume they were actually trying to get better like he says by getting the Colts' first round draft pick. Indianapolis was a playoff team last year and should at least contend for a spot this year. That puts their pick at around No. 23 to about No. 25. Cleveland, hopeless as all Hell, could have a top five draft pick if they keep losing.
But there it is, kids, they can't even LOSE correctly!
If you are telling your fanbase that you are laying down the rest of the 2013 season to make for a better future then why did you go and defeat the hapless Minnesota Adrian Peterson's? Couldn't you have beaten them and still retained Trent Richardson?
That's a rhetorical question, Cleveland, and since you don't know what that word means I'll just spare you and say, YES, you could have won that game, kept Trent Richardson, and still been shitty enough to get a top five draft pick to get one of those quarterbacks. Now we're just running in circles chasing our own asses.
Well that's it for now, kids, gotta save some stuff for later to stay relevant (oxymoron). By the way, if the line for the Dolphins-Saints game is Saints +7 or above, put your money on the 'Phins.
What? You thought this would be a giant love-fest over the Miami Dolphins? Don't get me wrong--I couldn't be prouder and for a long, long time it's in the offense more than the defense. My little Fuzzby, Ryan Tannehill, is growing up and dare I say trying to reach Furby status. I'm proud of his composure, I'm proud of his ability to lead game-winning drives in perilous situations but the thing that I'm most proud of is that...well...if Miami has the ball and is one score away from winning it I officially have full faith in my little Fuzzby. I trust him to get it done. I am officially off of "here's where we blow it" status.
But I'm not on "WOOO! SUPER BOWL TIME! XOXOXOXOXO! GO DOLPHINS!"
And hopefully I'll never be that guy but I'm a grounded individual and it's a tough sport we're playing here and it's going to get tougher before it gets easier. What have the Dolphins achieved in starting 3-0? Well for one, they've made me tremendously happy. I haven't been excited like this for football in over a decade. But that's where it ends for me. I'm excited. Miami heads to New Orleans next Monday night for our first national stage game in over a year in enemy territory against the also undefeated Saints. This is a tough game here for the 'Phins. Win this and then I'll start using the Studly Pastures for our official Super Bowl or Bust campaign.
Speaking of things that haven't happened in a long, long time...the Kansas City Chiefs are also undefeated at 3-0! I don't think Denver and New England are nervous just quite yet but they are definitely scratching their heads and thinking, "What? No cake walk this year?" Nope.
I like Alex Smith. He was drafted No.1 overall in an 'eh' draft year and never seemed to really be accepted by his team even though he started doing 'eh' and then grew into a consistent player. Then he got hurt and never retained his job because Jim Harbaugh is still searching for his next Andrew Luck. So he got traded to the Chiefs, the 'worst' team in the league last year (Jacksonville) and now he's got this awesome 'Screw you, I'll show you all!' attitude and it's paired with Andy Reid's 'Screw you, I'll just stand here with the same expression on my face' and it appears to be working so far in Kansas City.
And now here's where I completely disavow the Cleveland Browns as an NFL franchise.
Are you kidding me? What's your deal? Do you like completely tormenting your fan-base year after excruciating year?
Let's step back for a second: last year you drafted Trent Richardson with the third overall pick and then you traded back into the first round to get Brandon Weeden. I never liked the Weeden pick, considering he's almost two years older than me and got to throw passes to Dez Bryant in college (making his numbers look a lot better) but you thought he was your saving grace, right? Well things didn't turn out so well last year and you brought in a new regime this year. They don't think Weeden is the answer either so they want to stockpile some draft picks and move up and be able to take one of the college quarterbacks coming out this year (the Teddy Bridgewaters and Johnny Manziels of the world). So...your solution was to trade Trent Richardson to the Indianapolis Colts.
Richardson had a very productive year last year but at the very least was your most dynamic playmaker on offense. The CEO of the Browns who doesn't deserve to have his name listed here came on after the trade and said that the Browns were looking to be successful in the future...by trading their best weapon.
Okay, sure, let's assume they were actually trying to get better like he says by getting the Colts' first round draft pick. Indianapolis was a playoff team last year and should at least contend for a spot this year. That puts their pick at around No. 23 to about No. 25. Cleveland, hopeless as all Hell, could have a top five draft pick if they keep losing.
But there it is, kids, they can't even LOSE correctly!
If you are telling your fanbase that you are laying down the rest of the 2013 season to make for a better future then why did you go and defeat the hapless Minnesota Adrian Peterson's? Couldn't you have beaten them and still retained Trent Richardson?
That's a rhetorical question, Cleveland, and since you don't know what that word means I'll just spare you and say, YES, you could have won that game, kept Trent Richardson, and still been shitty enough to get a top five draft pick to get one of those quarterbacks. Now we're just running in circles chasing our own asses.
Well that's it for now, kids, gotta save some stuff for later to stay relevant (oxymoron). By the way, if the line for the Dolphins-Saints game is Saints +7 or above, put your money on the 'Phins.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
The Grand Return
It's back, kids!
The NFL kicks off it's regular season this evening in a rematch of divisional playoff teams from a year ago: the Baltimore Ravens and the Denver Broncos. While this game probably won't live up to the instant classic that it was last year (nor does it have nearly as many implications) it's still good to see the boys back on the field.
By the way, Baltimore is playing AT Denver, becoming the first reigning Super Bowl champion to start on the road since the 2003 Tampa Bay Buccaneers and that was mostly because less people give a crap about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers than they do about probiotics. Stop peddling me your dirty bacteria pills, Erin Andrews, they might affect the tapeworm I purposely swallowed. It's bikini season.
The Ravens have the luxury of starting on the road because the Baltimore Orioles are supreme assholes and think that their precious regular season baseball game is more important than the reigning Super Bowl champions returning to the field. The Orioles last won the World Series in 1983 which was thirty friggin' years ago. That means people like Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and every girl I've ever dated has never seen the Baltimore Orioles win the World Series. But you know what they have seen? The Baltimore Ravens win TWO Super Bowls! I wish the two commissioners would get together and make the Orioles play their game at four in the morning, with no lights on, and the infield is made of cow manure. It's only fair.
Last year I made some bold predictions like how Andrew Luck would win Rookie of the Year and that it would be the New Orleans Saints and the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl and I was exactly right about one of those things. If only I had actually said they would win it too...not sure why I stopped short of going all the way. I guess I take this thing way too seriously.
Well that's not going to be the case this year! I'm not taking this seriously at all! You have my solemn promise!
So let's go division by division and sort this whole thing out, shall we? What? Don't you have the stones to follow me?!
AFC NORTH: Hmmm...this is the division that the reigning champs are in but their roster looks a lot different than it did last year. Ray Lewis retired, Ed Reed went to the Texans, and Joe Flacco stole everybody else's salaries. So unless Flacco can lead the team in passing yards, touchdowns, receptions, tackles and punt returns, I don't see the Ravens winning the division. My pick is awarded to the Cincinnati Bengals! That's right, kids, the Bungles! Andy Dalton and AJ Green have a legitimate connection and now with James Harrison on defense, who is a veritable psychotic, I think the tigers have what it takes to claim the AFC North.
AFC SOUTH: This is going to be the Houston Texans division, for sure. Oh I'm sure Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts will play their little oil-fueled hearts out but the cows are taking this one. Matt Schaub has very little hair left, they have a black guy named Arian, and Andre Johnson is about a year away from being "too old for this shit."
AFC EAST: Well this is the division that the Miami Dolphins play in and as a life-long fan and a true believer in them I have no choice but to pick against them. When you've loved something long enough you'll always go with the option to be surprised than to be disappointed because you really just can't go any lower. So if the Dolphins are out and the Bills and Jets are fielding starting quarterbacks that would be better suited making iced coffees at Starbucks then I have no choice but to hand it over to the freakin' New England Patriots...again. You win one more time Brady but heed my warning: this shall be the last year.
AFC WEST: I'm not going to go so far as to say that Denver will be the first team to lock up their division but I will go so far as to say that if they don't then something terrible has happened to Peyton "Forrest" Manning. The only way that the Broncos don't win this division is if Ol' Slack Jaw has his bionic neck short-circuit causing him not to be able to eat Oreos properly. Relax Mile High, this won't happen for Manning is my mortal enemy and he will continue to mock me at every turn. However, if it does by some miracle of Satan, then this division is up for grabs. Literally. They should toss a coin.
NFC NORTH: I don't trust the Bears without Urlacher...I really don't. Remember in Remember the Titans how the star linebacker finally learned acceptance of black people and then he went and got in a car accident and it paralyzed him but the team still went out and won the game regardless? Yeah it's not gonna be like that for Chicago. This division lies in the godforsaken wasteland of humanity in the northern end of Wisconsin in Green Bay! The Packers have Aaron Rodgers which is enough to say just like saying the Patriots have Tom Brady circa 2004-2005. They added a cool running back and still get to play the Detroit Lions and Minnesota Vikings twice a year. Go pack, go!
NFC SOUTH: I picked the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year and they made me look like a tremendous ass. To make matters worse, Drew Brees broke Dan Marino's single season passing record all while on the road to missing the playoffs completely. I wish I could afford the kind of pillow that Drew Brees can that lets him sleep at night but it's probably made out of dodo bird feathers, the softest down known to man as far as you know. So, by reason of angst, I am taking the Atlanta Falcons because who gives a crap about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and whatever other team is in this division.
NFC EAST: Oh sweet baby Jesus...the NFC East?! Sean Bean has a better shot at staying alive in things he is cast for than I do at picking the winner of the 'who barely makes it over .500 wins it' division. I can't pick the Cowboys because Tony Romo. I can't pick the Eagles because Michael Vick. So it's down between the Redskins and Giants. Well if recent history has taught me anything about coming back with a bionic knee then you are going to be a better player than you were before and the Redskins were the winners last year. Robert Griffin 3.0 will lead his team again to victory.
NFC WEST: This is tricky too but only because there are two teams that are actually capable of winning the division and I am of course talking about the Seattle Seahawks and the San Francisco 49ers. The Niners made it to the Super Bowl last year and almost pulled it out before they got Flacco'ed. I like the idea that the Niners have put forth and I like their coach. Jim Harbaugh is Rex Ryan if Rex Ryan never woke up one morning with some misplaced sense of self-worth. But I do not like Colin Kaepernick. He is quickly becoming one of those quarterbacks that just leave a bad taste in your mouth and it's probably because they haven't showered. I am going to go with Seattle for the West. They put forth a team a lot like the Niners but I think their defense is better suited to go against the other team and that will be the difference in this division.
AFC WILD CARDS: Baltimore and Indianapolis.
NFC WILD CARDS: New Orleans and San Francisco.
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Okay so now you know how I laid out exactly how the playoffs are going to shape out and now I am going to tell you who makes it to the championship game in each league. Do you like how I lead you by the hand there, you big dummy? If I was a good writer I would go back and delete all of this. I am taking the chalk in that I think Denver will reach the AFC Championship game. But I think that the Houston Texans are going to beat them. There's a damn good chance that this game will be played in Denver and that suits the Texans just fine because Baltimore showed the world last year that the Broncos are not invulnerable at home even in a cold ass game. I am making this pick for the same reason I picked Baltimore last year and that's because I think this is the last feasible year for them to get it done. Texans win over Denver 24-21
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: I have Seattle already locked into this game. I think they beat out the Niners and I think they bury the Falcons. Now because I'm a sucker for high drama I think the team they will meet in the NFC Championship is the Green Bay Packers. How great would it be to have a rematch of the 'Hail Mary that never was' then right here in the Super Bowl deciding game? I think Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers go at it harder than a couple of pit bulls in Rosie O'Donnell's underwear drawer and you can do with that what you please. In the end, however, the birds prevail over the cheese heads. Seattle wins 34-31.
SUPER BOWL: Seattle beats Houston 28-17. How's that for predictions? I came down a long and twisted road to get to this point and if I'm right I am moving to Vegas. And per usual, if I am found to be wrong...well...at least I put myself out there, dammit!
The NFL kicks off it's regular season this evening in a rematch of divisional playoff teams from a year ago: the Baltimore Ravens and the Denver Broncos. While this game probably won't live up to the instant classic that it was last year (nor does it have nearly as many implications) it's still good to see the boys back on the field.
By the way, Baltimore is playing AT Denver, becoming the first reigning Super Bowl champion to start on the road since the 2003 Tampa Bay Buccaneers and that was mostly because less people give a crap about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers than they do about probiotics. Stop peddling me your dirty bacteria pills, Erin Andrews, they might affect the tapeworm I purposely swallowed. It's bikini season.
The Ravens have the luxury of starting on the road because the Baltimore Orioles are supreme assholes and think that their precious regular season baseball game is more important than the reigning Super Bowl champions returning to the field. The Orioles last won the World Series in 1983 which was thirty friggin' years ago. That means people like Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and every girl I've ever dated has never seen the Baltimore Orioles win the World Series. But you know what they have seen? The Baltimore Ravens win TWO Super Bowls! I wish the two commissioners would get together and make the Orioles play their game at four in the morning, with no lights on, and the infield is made of cow manure. It's only fair.
Last year I made some bold predictions like how Andrew Luck would win Rookie of the Year and that it would be the New Orleans Saints and the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl and I was exactly right about one of those things. If only I had actually said they would win it too...not sure why I stopped short of going all the way. I guess I take this thing way too seriously.
Well that's not going to be the case this year! I'm not taking this seriously at all! You have my solemn promise!
So let's go division by division and sort this whole thing out, shall we? What? Don't you have the stones to follow me?!
AFC NORTH: Hmmm...this is the division that the reigning champs are in but their roster looks a lot different than it did last year. Ray Lewis retired, Ed Reed went to the Texans, and Joe Flacco stole everybody else's salaries. So unless Flacco can lead the team in passing yards, touchdowns, receptions, tackles and punt returns, I don't see the Ravens winning the division. My pick is awarded to the Cincinnati Bengals! That's right, kids, the Bungles! Andy Dalton and AJ Green have a legitimate connection and now with James Harrison on defense, who is a veritable psychotic, I think the tigers have what it takes to claim the AFC North.
AFC SOUTH: This is going to be the Houston Texans division, for sure. Oh I'm sure Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts will play their little oil-fueled hearts out but the cows are taking this one. Matt Schaub has very little hair left, they have a black guy named Arian, and Andre Johnson is about a year away from being "too old for this shit."
AFC EAST: Well this is the division that the Miami Dolphins play in and as a life-long fan and a true believer in them I have no choice but to pick against them. When you've loved something long enough you'll always go with the option to be surprised than to be disappointed because you really just can't go any lower. So if the Dolphins are out and the Bills and Jets are fielding starting quarterbacks that would be better suited making iced coffees at Starbucks then I have no choice but to hand it over to the freakin' New England Patriots...again. You win one more time Brady but heed my warning: this shall be the last year.
AFC WEST: I'm not going to go so far as to say that Denver will be the first team to lock up their division but I will go so far as to say that if they don't then something terrible has happened to Peyton "Forrest" Manning. The only way that the Broncos don't win this division is if Ol' Slack Jaw has his bionic neck short-circuit causing him not to be able to eat Oreos properly. Relax Mile High, this won't happen for Manning is my mortal enemy and he will continue to mock me at every turn. However, if it does by some miracle of Satan, then this division is up for grabs. Literally. They should toss a coin.
NFC NORTH: I don't trust the Bears without Urlacher...I really don't. Remember in Remember the Titans how the star linebacker finally learned acceptance of black people and then he went and got in a car accident and it paralyzed him but the team still went out and won the game regardless? Yeah it's not gonna be like that for Chicago. This division lies in the godforsaken wasteland of humanity in the northern end of Wisconsin in Green Bay! The Packers have Aaron Rodgers which is enough to say just like saying the Patriots have Tom Brady circa 2004-2005. They added a cool running back and still get to play the Detroit Lions and Minnesota Vikings twice a year. Go pack, go!
NFC SOUTH: I picked the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year and they made me look like a tremendous ass. To make matters worse, Drew Brees broke Dan Marino's single season passing record all while on the road to missing the playoffs completely. I wish I could afford the kind of pillow that Drew Brees can that lets him sleep at night but it's probably made out of dodo bird feathers, the softest down known to man as far as you know. So, by reason of angst, I am taking the Atlanta Falcons because who gives a crap about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and whatever other team is in this division.
NFC EAST: Oh sweet baby Jesus...the NFC East?! Sean Bean has a better shot at staying alive in things he is cast for than I do at picking the winner of the 'who barely makes it over .500 wins it' division. I can't pick the Cowboys because Tony Romo. I can't pick the Eagles because Michael Vick. So it's down between the Redskins and Giants. Well if recent history has taught me anything about coming back with a bionic knee then you are going to be a better player than you were before and the Redskins were the winners last year. Robert Griffin 3.0 will lead his team again to victory.
NFC WEST: This is tricky too but only because there are two teams that are actually capable of winning the division and I am of course talking about the Seattle Seahawks and the San Francisco 49ers. The Niners made it to the Super Bowl last year and almost pulled it out before they got Flacco'ed. I like the idea that the Niners have put forth and I like their coach. Jim Harbaugh is Rex Ryan if Rex Ryan never woke up one morning with some misplaced sense of self-worth. But I do not like Colin Kaepernick. He is quickly becoming one of those quarterbacks that just leave a bad taste in your mouth and it's probably because they haven't showered. I am going to go with Seattle for the West. They put forth a team a lot like the Niners but I think their defense is better suited to go against the other team and that will be the difference in this division.
AFC WILD CARDS: Baltimore and Indianapolis.
NFC WILD CARDS: New Orleans and San Francisco.
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Okay so now you know how I laid out exactly how the playoffs are going to shape out and now I am going to tell you who makes it to the championship game in each league. Do you like how I lead you by the hand there, you big dummy? If I was a good writer I would go back and delete all of this. I am taking the chalk in that I think Denver will reach the AFC Championship game. But I think that the Houston Texans are going to beat them. There's a damn good chance that this game will be played in Denver and that suits the Texans just fine because Baltimore showed the world last year that the Broncos are not invulnerable at home even in a cold ass game. I am making this pick for the same reason I picked Baltimore last year and that's because I think this is the last feasible year for them to get it done. Texans win over Denver 24-21
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: I have Seattle already locked into this game. I think they beat out the Niners and I think they bury the Falcons. Now because I'm a sucker for high drama I think the team they will meet in the NFC Championship is the Green Bay Packers. How great would it be to have a rematch of the 'Hail Mary that never was' then right here in the Super Bowl deciding game? I think Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers go at it harder than a couple of pit bulls in Rosie O'Donnell's underwear drawer and you can do with that what you please. In the end, however, the birds prevail over the cheese heads. Seattle wins 34-31.
SUPER BOWL: Seattle beats Houston 28-17. How's that for predictions? I came down a long and twisted road to get to this point and if I'm right I am moving to Vegas. And per usual, if I am found to be wrong...well...at least I put myself out there, dammit!
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