Who's The Other Guy?

Is it something I said?  I mean you could tell me and I wouldn't get upset.

I was just going over notes left for me by the Studly Pastures research team (cough) and it turns out that readership is down--like way down.  Let's say it's so down that if we were a company that was built on turning a profit that I would have resorted to insider trading a few months ago.  Our stock is bleeding faster than a stuck pig and I've never understood that reference other than I guess you have to bleed the pig before you cook it otherwise you get really bloody bites of pork.

They've even gone as far to say that Latvia hasn't been around in months and I'm especially hurt about that.  We had a great thing going, Latvia, and you're just going to toss me aside like some cheap blog floozy.  It makes me wonder two things: where the Hell are Latvians going to get their American sports banter if not from me and why did they ever stumble upon me in the first place?

Who knows how this wacky internet thingy works.  I type words that only I can see and press a button and suddenly every entity in the universe can see them too.  That's either incredible technology or the Devil's work and I haven't decided which one it is yet or if it's both.

After I crunched the numbers left for me by the research team (cough) I started trying to find some sort of correlation between the lack of readership and the content of the post.  That search proved to be moot because all I concluded was that I was consistent across the board with genius observations and hilarious banter on American sports.  That much was clear.

However a senior ranking adviser from the creative department (cough) discovered an abnormality in what kind of music I listen to when writing a post.  For most of the last year I've been listening to classical music because I love classical music and it makes me relaxed and put at ease.  Well that's exactly the opposite of what the Studly Pastures is about.  We're loud, we're abrasive, and we don't do serene.  No more classical.  It's time for some other classical.  I'm writing tonight to the sweet sounds of the Electric Light Orchestra station on Pandora and it's time for some real thoughts.

First off, if a closer comes into a ninth inning with a two-run lead and loses the game he should be demoted or at the very least docked in pay.  Your job is to close the game, the very nature of it is in your job title for crying out loud!  If I'm the cab driver and you hop in the backseat and tell me where you are going and I say okay and immediately gun the gas pedal and drive into the first light-post I see there's going to be consequences and repercussions!  I understand that the job is a high-stress atmosphere.  There's never thousands of people watching a cab driver's every move on television but I guess my beef is truly with the lack of ownership.  If you give up a walk-off grand slam to lose the game for your team when everything that went wrong was truly your fault the very next thing you should do is answer for it.  I want to hear you come out and say, "Well I sucked complete balls tonight and I'm really sorry that I didn't do my job and even beyond that I found some twisted way to make doing my job seem more heroic than it really is.  I guess I shouldn't have walked out to the mound and immediately crapped my pants and then proceed to chuck that crap into the stands.  I am really sorry about this and can only hope you show mercy."

If that happened I might be a little more forgiving.

Second of all, the NFL Draft is barreling towards us which is always a very exciting time for me here down at the Studly Pastures.  I get really worked up about it and always refer to it as NFL Holy Day and everybody wants to know who is going to go number one overall.  Well last year an offensive tackle went number one overall and that's always boring but before him the last four number ones were all quarterbacks, which is considered the most important position on the team.  In fact you'd you have to go back all the way to 2006 to find when the last defensive end was taken number one overall and that was when the Houston Texans took Mario Williams over Reggie Bush.

I don't know if Johnny Manziel, or Blake Bortles, or Teddy Bridgewater is going to be great in the NFL and maybe they all will be.  But I do know this about the NFL and the Houston Texans: getting pressure on the quarterback is very vital and they already have a specialist in J.J. Watt.  Get another one!  Use the number one draft pick on Jadeveon Clowney.  The history of the Houston Texans number one draft picks is David Carr and Mario Williams.  David Carr is probably in some sort of veterans hospital and Mario Williams is still playing in the league in Buffalo.  Granted, those both sound like Hell on Earth, but at least Williams is still getting a fat paycheck.  Take the freak defensive end, create awesome pass-rushing defense, get anybody later in the draft who can throw the ball to your own team more than the other one.  There's the formula, don't disappoint me Houston.

Thirdly, and I'm so surprised that's a word, is that we've been together a long time, you and I, faceless entities and I worry that we're just not ourselves anymore.  Let's promise each other something right here and now.  I'll try harder and so will you.  It's not that tough.  You could always use a little information and a good laugh and I could always feed my narcissism.  It's win-win for the both of us.  Let me know what you think, my office is always open.

By the way, if you see Latvia, tell her that you saw me talking to Estonia.  That ought a do it.

Float on, graceful swans.

Johnny Be Good

Well kids, it's August, and I'm back in full form and ready to educate the masses on life, sports, and hell, whatever else you want to know about.  Including Hell...which is where Johnny Manziel has found himself the past four or five months.

I felt bad for Johnny Football.  I really did.  The kid wins the Heisman as a freshman, first person to ever do so, and is immediately thrown under the same scrutiny as the rest of the Heisman winners.  How is that fair?  He doesn't even get the chance to rail through a few sorority skanks, maybe brush elbows with some boosters, and get absolutely hammered on grain alcohol in the freezing snow with just a Speedo on.  That's college, folks, that's how we learn.

And A.J. McCarron?  You officially need to shut up.  Nobody likes you, you aren't cool.  You're a boring figure-head on a team that's carried you on their collective NFL-ready shoulders.  You should get your masters at Alabama because third-string on the San Diego Chargers pays you in churros.  You're not better than Manziel because he has a Heisman and you have a "Best Timing in the NCAA" award.

I really wish the Heisman Trust people would stop pretending that they are the Illuminati and this ever-expanding cult that controls everything and realize all they do is vote on who the best player is in COLLEGE football each year.  It's the NCAA, which is terribly flawed, and it's college kids, which believe it or not, are flawed!

Johnny Manziel is a 20-year old kid.  Now that I've said it maybe he'll stop reminding us.  But because he's won the Heisman we're supposed to shake our heads every time he grabs a beer or sleeps in a little late and misses Peyton Manning's football camp?  Did you just read what I wrote?  Peyton Manning's football camp!?  Getting excused from that is like getting promoted to Advanced Reading from Remedial Book Learning With Colors.  Johnny was too hungover to make macaroni necklaces that day, Peyton, let's get over it.

Then he got booted out of a University of Texas frat party.  Johnny, recognize when your guardian angel is looking out for you.  If I accidentally stumbled my way into a University of Texas frat party I can only imagine what kinds of terrible S&M livestock activities are going on in those dark hallways.  I just shuddered...I'm not kidding.  They're the longhorns for Christ sakes, get outta there!

Aaaaand now we have reports that he's been profiting off of autographs which is a BIG no-no in the NCAA.  Basically if you work for the NCAA you better not make any money...but I digress, that's my argument for another day.

First of all, how big of a scum bag can you be (or rather how popular can you get) that you charge people for signing your own name on something.  That's incredible to me.  "Oh this football is worth seven dollars, hold on a second, BLAM, now it's gonna be expensive in 30 years."

Second of all, why are we getting the autograph of a 20-year old?  I'd be less upset about this if I found out that he was only signing sorority girls' boobs...and still charging!  That's pretty boss.

The worst part, even though I saw Manziel circling the drain a couple of months ago, is that all it will take the crazy ass NCAA to take away his eligibility is ONE spurned person.  That's it.  No questions asked, this is what you get and I wouldn't be surprised if they go after the Heisman.

But then I also had this thought: Hey, maybe if the Heisman Trust was truly about not only on-field play but also how the person conducts himself in the community then I guess a freshman wasn't exactly the best pick because he was in freakin' high school a year ago!  When I was a freshman I would skip classes not because I was drunk or on drugs but just because I could and nobody would yell at me.  Take that, general society!

Here's the thing: the Heisman Trust is owned by the NCAA and the NCAA is owned by the same thing that birthed David Stern and Gary Bettman.  It's all evil and it doesn't matter what you do because you're going down regardless.

I recognize the rational part of American society and a Tits for Tat  program is ingenious, especially if you're popular enough to get away with it, which Johnny Manziel is.  Which 20-year old hot shit in this room is turning down that kind of action?  That's what I thought.

Can't we all just reach back and remember what it was like to have everything in the palm of our hand and then go right ahead and piss it all away on trivial things?  Doesn't anybody remember what it means to be young?  Leave the kid alone.  I'm sure he's gotten a chick pregnant by now anyways.  Let the autograph thing go away.