Hard F

I've mentioned on several occasions that the unicorns are pretty strange when it comes to their everyday activities.  I still haven't figured out if it's because they are mythical creatures or if they're just fucking with me.  But anyways, come see the horned bastards.

One of the weird things that they like for some godforsaken reason is hard candy.  Not just any hard candy, like a brand or anything, but 'the one specifically your grandma likes', and I'm not really sure what to make of that.  See what I mean about them fucking with me?  Look, they could honestly just not know what they are called and that their only frame of reference is that older people tend to like the same type of candy.  They could also be playing a sick and twisted mind-game where they insinuate that they have been having sexual relations with your grandmother, I'm just not sure!

But one thing I am sure about is that the other day I was carrying a bucket of hard candies out to the unicorn stable and I misjudged the distance I had between the lock.  Here's a quick recap of what followed: the bucket dropped, the hard candies spilled everywhere, I grabbed my elbow, and yelled out, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

The unicorns' faces went pale, their eyes widened, and they immediately went into hysterics.  I'd like to believe that it was either because I was in such pain or shouted out such an obscene word, but it was probably because all of their precious grandma candies were now all over the ground.

You see, I've been cursing around the unicorns since they were born.  They need to know.  And I haven't been churching it up with 'fudge' and 'frickin' either.  They've been getting the hard F since they were unicolts because that's what's real.

I call it the hard F because if unicorns aren't exempt from it, why should you?

The Hall of Fame Game was the other day, and for those of you not in the know, it's the first preseason game of the NFL that they reserve for the two shittiest teams in the league.  It also corresponds to some of the inductees into the Hall that weekend, but you can't help but always think, "Football is back!...and I'm still going to watch baseball for a little bit."

This year's inductees include Roger Craig, Luke Keuchly, Adam Vinatieri, Larry Fitzgerald, and Drew Brees.  And most of those I gloss over and say congratulations to but also don't really care as much.

Except for you, Drew CHRISTOPHER Brees.  I said your name out loud like an old Jewish mother that just caught you stealing cookies and I hope you rot in...I don't know...some sort of beignet?  

I don't hate you Drew Brees.  I hate what happened.  I'm always going to be hung up on what could have been between us.  This Hall of Fame class gets a hard F because I'm always going to be chasing that dragon.  That Drewgon.  I'm chasing that Drewgon.

Don't tell your grandma, swans, but I'll be floating by for some candies later...