Something Rotten This Way Comes

It's kinda nice being the owner of the Studly Pastures because that generally means that I don't have to ever touch unicorn shit and can just make my employees pick it up.  But even from my pedestal I know that shit is shit--even if it's rainbow colored--and if you have to pick it up for too long you tend to get a little jaded about your job.  I've had plenty of good-natured ranch hands file their papers over the years because these little horned devils just won't stop fertilizing the yard.

Something stinks.  Literally.

If I was Joe Philbin, the head coach of the Miami Dolphins, and I wanted to keep my job I would have utilized my knowledge of the years I spent training Aaron Rodgers and used that to my advantage to defeat him last Sunday.  However, if I was the exact same guy and I wanted to get fired, I would have done exactly what he did last Sunday.

I've seen enough people try to get fired that I recognize it now almost instantly.

The man's had enough, and while I don't blame him, he's simultaneously tanking the one thing in the sports world that brings even the slightest of glimmers to my eye and it's driving me mad.

Why don't I blame Joe Philbin for trying to get fired from his job as head coach as the Miami Dolphins?  Because Joe Philbin is a nice guy, with a great football mindset, aaaaannnndddd he makes a great offensive coordinator because he can stand behind the scenes and call the shots and not have to be the face or voice of a franchise.  He's not a head coach and he got hired as a head coach and I blame him as much as I blame myself for not being a ladies' shoe salesman and I got hired once as a ladies' shoe salesman.  Live and learn.

Plus, I don't blame him because Stephen Ross, the owner of the Miami Dolphins, is an idiot and wouldn't know couth if it was his own mother telling him how much he sucked as a person.  See what I did there?  I was very uncouth on purpose because I have couth, dammit!  I'm couthful.  Stephen Ross is uncouthful.  He tried to hire a coach while he still had one on payroll and after that failed he settled for his silver medal, Joe Philbin, and now that that's not panning out he's trying to poach the same guy...AGAIN!

I'm being pretty discreet and I'm not sure why...it's not like I'm the goddamned Associated Press (cough, cough).  I'm talking about Jim Harbaugh and how Stephen Ross has had a hard-on for his khaki-loving ass for a few years now.  This is, apparently, one of those 'first love' kinda loves and it just sort of lingers on even after several girlfriends...I mean head coaches.

If I was Joe Philbin and I wanted to keep my job and every time I suffered a loss and had to give a press conference I would be succinct, bold, and very adamant about what went wrong, how it happened, and how I planned to prepare to make sure that it never happened again.  However, if I was the exact same guy and I wanted to get fired, I would treat EVERY press conference as the same and always say the same thing: "I have to do a better job."

"I have to do a better job."  That's not exactly the life mantra of a leader.  "I have to do a better job" leads me down two paths: One is that he's said it enough times now and it means that he simply cannot do a better job and it's time to go OR he really knows that he has to do a better job and chooses not to...SO HE CAN BE FIRED.  How much patience would you have that if somebody kept screwing up and his only explanation each and every time was "I have to do a better job"?  

At the end of the day it boils down to people with millions upon millions of dollars at their disposal and have absolutely no idea what to do with it.  Is there a book that exists titled How To Be Successful And Then To Stop Being Successful?  Joe Philbin should be hosting a fishing show on public access, Stephen Ross should be blasted into space, and the Miami Dolphins should have pulled a George Costanza and gone out on a high note back in 1974.  One undefeated season and back to back Super Bowl titles?  Yeah, take a bow, you're done.

The problem with not having anybody to pick up the shit is that it just keeps piling up higher and higher, eventually to the point where it suffocates you but you don't get the privilege of either Heaven or Hell, no you get purgatory.  The only problem with purgatory is that the whole goddamn thing recycles itself every three to four years and if you're skeptical you can go back to the beginning of this blog because I've been here longer than four years.

It's the Twilight Zone and the only thing worse than living in the Twilight Zone is knowing that you live in the Twilight Zone.

This Water Cooler is the Water Coolest!

We're back and it's been recently brought to my attention that we're not supposed to take it anymore.  So for those of you that have been still taking it you can go ahead and not take it anymore.  Thank you.

I'd like to consider myself a fair guy.  I don't think I have unreasonable expectations where I hope that my favorite sports team doesn't do anything to completely embarrass me and if and when that happens I won't just spray cologne over it and pretend it's not there.

The Miami Dolphins have spent the better part of the last year trying to convince us it was just a cold sore and now we finally have admission that it's full blown herpes.  Joe Philbin seems like a nice enough guy to buy sweaters from but when you let your own employees harass each other in a myriad of ways and don't claim ownership of that then one of two things should happen.  The first is you're lying and should be fired.  The second is you have no control of your own employees and should be fired.

However, the Miami Dolphins embrace the lifestyles we have here in the Twilight Zone and let Philbin go out there in his nice, non-confrontational button down shirt and swear that from now on we really, really won't let people treat other people like they're not actual human beings.  Good on them.

Okay faceless entities, a proposition: I will write the Studly Pastures until the Miami Dolphins win a Super Bowl or I meet my untimely demise.  So the deal is that unless I die or the Dolphins win the Super Bowl, the SP will continue on.  You game?  You actually have no choice.  I've already decided.  The last post I ever write for the SP will be the Dolphins' Super Bowl victory or something really stupid because I died shortly after that.  It's the ultimate game of internet chicken.




Enough about that crap, let's talk about some Olympics crap.  It seems to me that for some reason before the last three days that Americans thought we could beat Canadians in hockey.  Really?  I know most of you like to brush off Canada little-brother style but if there is one thing that they nailed down and really made 'their thing' it's hockey.

I know here in America we have to concern ourselves with trivial things like keeping the rest of the world in order but in Canada they don't have that problem.  They just sit up there and play hockey until we tell them to do something.

In all seriousness though, our national women's hockey team choked and in further seriousness, I was hoping I would never have to mention women's hockey.  Two goal lead, third period, and closing minutes...and you lose?  I'm not insinuating that this wouldn't happen to men because I watch American soccer and it happens all the time but come on!  You'se had 'em!  You'se had 'em!!!

It's okay, girls.  The World Cup is five months away and the Summer Olympics is two years away and the word 'Canada' will be irrelevant for all of that.




Finally, I have to end with Derek Jeter.  The Yankee short-stop is retiring after this upcoming season and to me that's the right decision.  Jeter announcing his retirement is like a race horse being put down after breaking it's leg...except the horse is pulling the trigger.  Jeter is showing something rare in athletes like him that have spent most of his career in the spotlight and in the center of attention: the ability to know when it's time to walk away.

Somewhere on a farm in Mississippi, Brett Favre is re-enacting the entire plot of Necessary Roughness--the movie, not the show, have some class.

Jeter will always be for me that iconic athlete that I miss because I knew I was getting old.  Ken Griffey Jr. was the man when I was a kid but he was injury prone and didn't have the staying power.  Jeter has had his fair share of injuries but it wasn't until recent years that injuries really got to him.  Even as a Rays fan it's hard not to see Jeter at short-stop for the Yankees.  After going through the fanfare last year with Mariano retiring it should be safe to assume that the Captain will get the same treatment.

I can only hope that in his last at-bat he's pulled for a pinch-hitting Bernie Williams.  That'd be amazing.  I love baseball and I love the fact that I care about a rival teammate retiring.  Sigggghhhh.



I guess in a way, kids, I have announced my own retirement.  One way or another, the Studly will end either with my death or a Miami Dolphins Super Bowl victory.  I wish Vegas would calculate these odds for me because I could walk out my door tomorrow and get hit by a bus but the Dolphins can't win the Super Bowl tomorrow.

So I guess the only thing left to do is live life to the fullest, right?  In the immortal words from Robert Loggia from Necessary Roughness, "YOU TEAR THEIR F****** HEADS OFF AND SHIT DOWN THEIR NECKS!"  "Let us pray."

Float on, graceful swans.