As New England stares down the barrel of a Nor'easter they decide that the best tactic to absolve the storm is through their own hot air. That's all that seems to be coming out of New England these days.
Since Deflategate has gained speed, Belichick, Brady, and now even the Pats' owner Robert Kraft has taken the podium. While each man has taken their own approach to questions about why they felt the need to cheat when it was so obvious that they didn't have to I found that Kraft provided the most insight.
I was actually kinda shocked that Senator Palpatine even took the podium in the first place but then I remembered that cameras would be there and hubris is pretty tough to have just by yourself aaaaaaaaand now we're here!
Bob (that's right I'm calling him Bob) shuffled up there in his million dollar loafers made from the souls of the forgotten, took off his lacy white glove and slapped it in the face of the collective media and or world. That's right, kids, Bobby Kraft demands satisfaction!
An apology?! An APOLOGY!? What freakin' planet are these morons living on? Hey, asshole, maybe you shouldn't demand an apology while there is an ongoing investigation on how your team cheated!
And if by some miracle of God, or however much you have to pay people to make things go away these days, that you aren't found culpable of removing air from footballs---well then sir---YOU STILL GET NOTHING!
You get nothing.
Tom Brady says his feelings were hurt. Robert Kraft says that it bothers him that their reputations and integrity have been called into question and I'm over here playing the world's smallest violin because absolutely nobody should feel bad for the New England Patriots.
Did anybody feel bad for Michael Jackson when the second kid showed up in his bed covered in glitter and banana peels? No! You know why nobody is going to apologize to Robert Kraft and the New England Patriots? Because they're mocking us.
I find it fitting that Ted Wells, the guy who investigated the great Dolphins' bullying scandal last year, is now investigating the Patriots deflategate controversy because the Patriots have been bullying the entire rest of the league for the last fifteen years. There are 32 teams in the NFL and only one of them sees themselves in a higher light than the rest of them. There is only one team's name that keeps popping up when we bring up the term "cheating". Go buy yourself some compassion, Mr. Kraft, because we're fresh out over here.
An apology. Hah! Sure. I'm sorry that you guys are such pompous assholes that you think you can literally get away with murder. I'm sorry that we have to listen to you pompous assholes crying about how you're being targeted because you're the New England Patriots. I'm sorry that you've developed some sort of weird 'us against the world' mentality when it was you, in fact, that separated from the rest of the world. "They all hate us because we hated them so we're going to hate them for hating us!" - The New England mantra, also known as the Yosemite Sam defense.
After the press conference, Robert Kraft left in his melancholy limousine and went back to his less-than-fortunate mansion. He then took off his blase suit and climbed into his huge bed covered in tiger skins--from a indigenous part of "Bad Asia". There, he patiently waited, while drifting off into Billionaire Dreamland, for the apologies of all the people much, much less than him.
I'm so confused by all of this because I've never met people so unlawfully willing to cheat--and then still care about their public persona at the same time. Are they insane? I'm starting to think that they are insane.
Look, the end result of the Wells' investigation doesn't mean anything. I've already seen all the stuff I needed to see. The Patriots did something to their footballs. Bill Belichick shifted the focus to Tom Brady. Tom Brady stood up there and acted like he wouldn't know the touch of a football from a glazed ham. Bill Belichick stood up there again and tried to blow us away with his vast knowledge of Joe Pesci movies. Then Robert Kraft stood up there and demanded an apology for something that hasn't even been concluded yet. This all makes perfect sense to the criminally insane.
But what does it all mean, Basil?
It means that the Patriots are legitimately shocked that the NFL would follow protocol and investigate a method of cheating that they would do for the other 31 teams. It means that the New England Patriots are so far gone past the realm of actual humanization that they think they are owed some sort of apology for even being brought down to our measly level. Robert Kraft wants to be apologized to for being treated like everyone else.
Float on, graceful swans, but stay the hell away from New England. A bad storm is hitting them today.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
New England's Taint
I sit here now, in the wake of the latest scandal from the New England Patriots, and I finally have them figured out.
They're the goddamn Cobra Kai Dojo. They cheat even when they don't have to!
For those keeping score at home, the Patriots are now being investigated into deflating footballs during the AFC championship game last night against the Indianapolis Colts--which they didn't have to do at all to win the game--they're just assholes. Bill Belichick, the capo of the underworld, has employed some unsavory tactics in the past and he's showing no signs of slowing down.
Although deflating footballs is something I would have expected to see in the script for Little Giants.
Really? You were at home, in the rain, against a team you always beat anyways, and you thought, "Hell, let's take some of the air out of the footballs." Cowards.
What's the point here? A deflated football makes it easier to grip and catch. Cool. The Patriots ran down the throat of the Colts and also broke them down defensively. A deflated football doesn't help in either of these situations. That's the point. New England is getting revenge for being caught for Spygate.
The maximum penalty for being caught with tampering with a game ball is $25,000 which is laughable and also shows how absolutely nobody does that shit. The New England Patriots are now cheating for sport. This is a new level of douchebaggery that was previously unknown to me. Most cheaters cheat to gain some sort of advantage. These assholes are now cheating to BRAG! What the hell?!
Spygate was legitimate because it gained them a tactical advantage on game day. Ideally, in football, you would like to know what the other team is going to do so you would guess to your best proximity and plan around that. The Patriots knew what the other team was going to do because they sent spies to the other teams' training facilities and videotaped their game plan. They were punished, as much as the favorite child could be, and life moved on and they haven't won a Super Bowl since.
Hmm. That's weird. It's almost as if one would think that Spygate was the integral reason behind New England's success only it was never reported that way because they're the media darlings of ESPN and HOW COULD TOM BRADY DO ANY WRONG IN THE WORLD WHATSOEVER!!!!??? It's almost like one would think that.
Then the Patriots drafted Aaron Hernandez, a goon that was specifically used for his size and intimidation factors. These are known as "enforcers" in the criminal underground. He's now sitting in a jail cell awaiting TWO separate trials for TWO separate murder investigations. I wonder how many times he had brunch at Tom Brady's house. Do you think Tom Brady ever had to hide a gun for him? That'd be cool. Giselle loves danger.
And now, once again, on the eve of yet another Super Bowl appearance (the sixth for both Brady and Belichick) there are whispers in the wind of another unsavory tactic. Deflating footballs. At my very core I wish this was like Al Capone getting nabbed for tax evasion but at least we still get an answer to a very important question. What beats the New England Patriots? Themselves.
The way something bad happens always starts the same way. They'll suggest something that you've previously held to be outrageous so you laugh it off to see if they laugh too but they don't. After they don't laugh you start actually thinking about it and coming up with varying means to an end. Not after long you have a plan and like all plans it all hinges on whether you're caught or not but you can only be caught by people in power, and lo and behold, you have one on your side. If I'm going into a fight I'm bringing a white billionaire too, Patriots, I get it. And now all of a sudden the penalties decrease a little bit, the eyes of the power that be wane a little bit, and now we can put our plan into action.
Now we have the crown, the media, and are free to rule at our will. Kids, might I remind you that the Commissioner works for the owners of the NFL and is not some free-standing entity that regulates dominion between the owners and players. Robert Kraft always seemed like a nice enough guy but so did Senator Palpatine.
Like I told you earlier, it was raining. The one thing that gets harder to do in the rain is catch a football. Even with Tom Brady at quarterback, even with Gronkowski in the field, even with a superior running game...they still deflated the footballs. They still used pre-cut boards. Unbelievable.
Cold and unforgiving--the weather and attitude of New England.
If Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens can be vilified over things we think happened why aren't Bill Belichick and Tom Brady in the same light when we know they did things that aren't allowed? Damn double standards! I'm sure it's great to be a Patriot's fan but I'm also sure it has to feel a lot like being in the Nazi Party prior to D-Day. Sure, things are roses now, but there's definitely a blot on the horizon.
Look, I'm obviously not trying to compare New England Patriot fans to Nazi's, that would be absurd. I know that most of you are just blind followers of success anyways..
They're the goddamn Cobra Kai Dojo. They cheat even when they don't have to!
For those keeping score at home, the Patriots are now being investigated into deflating footballs during the AFC championship game last night against the Indianapolis Colts--which they didn't have to do at all to win the game--they're just assholes. Bill Belichick, the capo of the underworld, has employed some unsavory tactics in the past and he's showing no signs of slowing down.
Although deflating footballs is something I would have expected to see in the script for Little Giants.
Really? You were at home, in the rain, against a team you always beat anyways, and you thought, "Hell, let's take some of the air out of the footballs." Cowards.
What's the point here? A deflated football makes it easier to grip and catch. Cool. The Patriots ran down the throat of the Colts and also broke them down defensively. A deflated football doesn't help in either of these situations. That's the point. New England is getting revenge for being caught for Spygate.
The maximum penalty for being caught with tampering with a game ball is $25,000 which is laughable and also shows how absolutely nobody does that shit. The New England Patriots are now cheating for sport. This is a new level of douchebaggery that was previously unknown to me. Most cheaters cheat to gain some sort of advantage. These assholes are now cheating to BRAG! What the hell?!
Spygate was legitimate because it gained them a tactical advantage on game day. Ideally, in football, you would like to know what the other team is going to do so you would guess to your best proximity and plan around that. The Patriots knew what the other team was going to do because they sent spies to the other teams' training facilities and videotaped their game plan. They were punished, as much as the favorite child could be, and life moved on and they haven't won a Super Bowl since.
Hmm. That's weird. It's almost as if one would think that Spygate was the integral reason behind New England's success only it was never reported that way because they're the media darlings of ESPN and HOW COULD TOM BRADY DO ANY WRONG IN THE WORLD WHATSOEVER!!!!??? It's almost like one would think that.
Then the Patriots drafted Aaron Hernandez, a goon that was specifically used for his size and intimidation factors. These are known as "enforcers" in the criminal underground. He's now sitting in a jail cell awaiting TWO separate trials for TWO separate murder investigations. I wonder how many times he had brunch at Tom Brady's house. Do you think Tom Brady ever had to hide a gun for him? That'd be cool. Giselle loves danger.
And now, once again, on the eve of yet another Super Bowl appearance (the sixth for both Brady and Belichick) there are whispers in the wind of another unsavory tactic. Deflating footballs. At my very core I wish this was like Al Capone getting nabbed for tax evasion but at least we still get an answer to a very important question. What beats the New England Patriots? Themselves.
The way something bad happens always starts the same way. They'll suggest something that you've previously held to be outrageous so you laugh it off to see if they laugh too but they don't. After they don't laugh you start actually thinking about it and coming up with varying means to an end. Not after long you have a plan and like all plans it all hinges on whether you're caught or not but you can only be caught by people in power, and lo and behold, you have one on your side. If I'm going into a fight I'm bringing a white billionaire too, Patriots, I get it. And now all of a sudden the penalties decrease a little bit, the eyes of the power that be wane a little bit, and now we can put our plan into action.
Now we have the crown, the media, and are free to rule at our will. Kids, might I remind you that the Commissioner works for the owners of the NFL and is not some free-standing entity that regulates dominion between the owners and players. Robert Kraft always seemed like a nice enough guy but so did Senator Palpatine.
Like I told you earlier, it was raining. The one thing that gets harder to do in the rain is catch a football. Even with Tom Brady at quarterback, even with Gronkowski in the field, even with a superior running game...they still deflated the footballs. They still used pre-cut boards. Unbelievable.
Cold and unforgiving--the weather and attitude of New England.
If Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens can be vilified over things we think happened why aren't Bill Belichick and Tom Brady in the same light when we know they did things that aren't allowed? Damn double standards! I'm sure it's great to be a Patriot's fan but I'm also sure it has to feel a lot like being in the Nazi Party prior to D-Day. Sure, things are roses now, but there's definitely a blot on the horizon.
Look, I'm obviously not trying to compare New England Patriot fans to Nazi's, that would be absurd. I know that most of you are just blind followers of success anyways..
Friday, January 16, 2015
Coach Carousel
This marks another new landmark for the Studly Pastures as we've managed to go a full calendar month without anybody overseas reading a post.
While I'd like to think that maybe the East has finally taken what they've needed from me and are now better for it the more likely reason is that those spam bots have left me alone due to inactivity. Eh. The herald of the times can only do so much and he's probably not going about it by writing in an obscure blog every here and there.
I believe in self-employment. You're the boss and what you say goes. It's also got great job security because the only way you lose your job is when the whole company goes under and--come on--how often does that happen?
That's probably why I'm not an NFL head coach. While it might seem like you hold some semblance of power you're really just the guy whose got the puppeteer's hand up his ass the furthest. And when he tires of you he throws you out and gets another puppet. Your life is basically Toy Story, except like I said, his hand is up your ass. The life of a NFL head coach is cruel, wearing, and you better know it before you get into it or else it will swallow you up. Unless you employ tactics, oh let's say such as spying on the other teams, your shelf-life as a NFL head coach is a little longer than that lactose-free milk which just confuses me to no end. What's in the container? Sand?
There's been a number of coaching changes as of late and most of them have left me wondering what the person making the hire is doing to convince themselves of such a move. Why did this person out of ALLLLLLL others stand out to you as the one that would lead you to the promised land? Why?!
BUFFALO: I start with you because, let's face it, we know each other the best. You're the barren wasteland of my birth--the place that God constantly tries to warn humanity not to form a habitat in by burying it for months at a time under pounds and pounds of ice! Yet, there you stand, as some weird testament to human resiliency or just pure ignorance. Nevertheless, your old coach abandoned you (and granted he has a history of doing that) but you couldn't really blame him because maybe he wanted to remember what the sun looked like. It appears now that Doug Marrone would rather not be a head coach in the NFL so that he didn't have to live in Buffalo any longer. That's a tough pill to swallow and you washed it down with a big, heaping glass of Rex Ryan.
I know you're not the Grand Vizier of Great Decision Making but...come on...Rex Ryan?! I wouldn't even want that guy to show up to the same bar I'm at--let alone coach my football team. Has it come down to this, Buffalo? You're now just willingly raising your hand for Jersey's seconds?
Rex Ryan is a defensive minded coach, something they have the footholds established for in Buffalo but their offense is a huge train-wreck. Enter Rex Ryan, one-track mind, one-track coach, one lap-band surgery. Buffalo has basically signed up to become Jersey 2.0. I expected better from Canadians.
OAKLAND: I must say I like the moves that the Oakland Raiders make because as a sibling I can basically smoke crack and still be a more favored offspring. They just don't get it, do they? It's either they all collectively don't get it or Al Davis died so he could become more powerful than we could ever imagine. To go through their timeline of events in just the last six months would require about five Studly's so we're just going to skip ahead and tell you that they've tapped Jack Del Rio as the 479th head coach of the Oakland Raiders.
I don't like Jack Del Rio because he thinks he looks good in leather jackets and that kind of pompous attitude makes me hate you. He previously coached the Jaguars for far too long because they're trying to sabotage themselves but for the last couple of years he was Defensive Coordinator for the Denver Peyton Mannings. There was much ballyhoo last offseason for the attention the Broncos were paying to the defensive side of the ball with acquisitions like Demarcus Ware and Aqib Talib. And then Andrew Luck came along, marched right into Mile High, and now Peyton has plenty of time to peddle pizzas. (Boom). Oakland, being in the same division as Denver, has kept close tabs on the Broncos for the last couple of years and has decided to hire the man in charge of the weakest link on the team. The chain of failure isn't a straight line, dumbasses, it's a circle.
I like Jack Del Rio for a character name on Law and Order but as far as a head coach I'm going to have to question why the Davis family has so much money to burn for such trivial reasons such as hiring and firing a guy two years later.
NEW JERSEY: You know why I saved you for last. The Twilight Zone is very cruel and unforgiving. Back in the Suck for Luck year in 2011 when the Dolphins fired Tony Sparano in December, Todd Bowles became our interim head coach. The Dolphins subsequently went 2-1 under his stead and far missed out on a lottery we were in prime position to get from the start of the season--Andrew Luck. The Colts sucked a little bit more that year and now they're in the AFC Championship. I knew that we weren't getting Andrew Luck that year but at least there was potential in Todd Bowles. He had coached with us for several years prior, the team loved him and responded to him, and he seemed like a bright young mind. Then Stephen Ross went and hired Joe Philbin as head coach and there was no place for Todd Bowles anymore and I slunk even further into the Twilight Zone.
Now Rex Ryan is in Buffalo, Todd Bowles is in New Jersey, Andrew Luck is in Indianapolis and I'm stuck with Joe "I need to do a better job coaching" Philbin and Ryan "Fuzzby" Tannehill.
The gang's all here.
As much as I bashed Buffalo for hiring a guy that was defensive-minded on an already defensive heavy team I simply can't do the same for the New Jersey Jets. Yes, Todd Bowles is a defensive-minded coach--but if anybody can juggle with one hand while learning the other I gotta go with him. Buffalo hired a sideshow, Jersey hired a prodigy.
I'm just glad he went to Jersey because not even they can take advantage of his raw power.
You better be floatin' on, graceful swans.
While I'd like to think that maybe the East has finally taken what they've needed from me and are now better for it the more likely reason is that those spam bots have left me alone due to inactivity. Eh. The herald of the times can only do so much and he's probably not going about it by writing in an obscure blog every here and there.
I believe in self-employment. You're the boss and what you say goes. It's also got great job security because the only way you lose your job is when the whole company goes under and--come on--how often does that happen?
That's probably why I'm not an NFL head coach. While it might seem like you hold some semblance of power you're really just the guy whose got the puppeteer's hand up his ass the furthest. And when he tires of you he throws you out and gets another puppet. Your life is basically Toy Story, except like I said, his hand is up your ass. The life of a NFL head coach is cruel, wearing, and you better know it before you get into it or else it will swallow you up. Unless you employ tactics, oh let's say such as spying on the other teams, your shelf-life as a NFL head coach is a little longer than that lactose-free milk which just confuses me to no end. What's in the container? Sand?
There's been a number of coaching changes as of late and most of them have left me wondering what the person making the hire is doing to convince themselves of such a move. Why did this person out of ALLLLLLL others stand out to you as the one that would lead you to the promised land? Why?!
BUFFALO: I start with you because, let's face it, we know each other the best. You're the barren wasteland of my birth--the place that God constantly tries to warn humanity not to form a habitat in by burying it for months at a time under pounds and pounds of ice! Yet, there you stand, as some weird testament to human resiliency or just pure ignorance. Nevertheless, your old coach abandoned you (and granted he has a history of doing that) but you couldn't really blame him because maybe he wanted to remember what the sun looked like. It appears now that Doug Marrone would rather not be a head coach in the NFL so that he didn't have to live in Buffalo any longer. That's a tough pill to swallow and you washed it down with a big, heaping glass of Rex Ryan.
I know you're not the Grand Vizier of Great Decision Making but...come on...Rex Ryan?! I wouldn't even want that guy to show up to the same bar I'm at--let alone coach my football team. Has it come down to this, Buffalo? You're now just willingly raising your hand for Jersey's seconds?
Rex Ryan is a defensive minded coach, something they have the footholds established for in Buffalo but their offense is a huge train-wreck. Enter Rex Ryan, one-track mind, one-track coach, one lap-band surgery. Buffalo has basically signed up to become Jersey 2.0. I expected better from Canadians.
OAKLAND: I must say I like the moves that the Oakland Raiders make because as a sibling I can basically smoke crack and still be a more favored offspring. They just don't get it, do they? It's either they all collectively don't get it or Al Davis died so he could become more powerful than we could ever imagine. To go through their timeline of events in just the last six months would require about five Studly's so we're just going to skip ahead and tell you that they've tapped Jack Del Rio as the 479th head coach of the Oakland Raiders.
I don't like Jack Del Rio because he thinks he looks good in leather jackets and that kind of pompous attitude makes me hate you. He previously coached the Jaguars for far too long because they're trying to sabotage themselves but for the last couple of years he was Defensive Coordinator for the Denver Peyton Mannings. There was much ballyhoo last offseason for the attention the Broncos were paying to the defensive side of the ball with acquisitions like Demarcus Ware and Aqib Talib. And then Andrew Luck came along, marched right into Mile High, and now Peyton has plenty of time to peddle pizzas. (Boom). Oakland, being in the same division as Denver, has kept close tabs on the Broncos for the last couple of years and has decided to hire the man in charge of the weakest link on the team. The chain of failure isn't a straight line, dumbasses, it's a circle.
I like Jack Del Rio for a character name on Law and Order but as far as a head coach I'm going to have to question why the Davis family has so much money to burn for such trivial reasons such as hiring and firing a guy two years later.
NEW JERSEY: You know why I saved you for last. The Twilight Zone is very cruel and unforgiving. Back in the Suck for Luck year in 2011 when the Dolphins fired Tony Sparano in December, Todd Bowles became our interim head coach. The Dolphins subsequently went 2-1 under his stead and far missed out on a lottery we were in prime position to get from the start of the season--Andrew Luck. The Colts sucked a little bit more that year and now they're in the AFC Championship. I knew that we weren't getting Andrew Luck that year but at least there was potential in Todd Bowles. He had coached with us for several years prior, the team loved him and responded to him, and he seemed like a bright young mind. Then Stephen Ross went and hired Joe Philbin as head coach and there was no place for Todd Bowles anymore and I slunk even further into the Twilight Zone.
Now Rex Ryan is in Buffalo, Todd Bowles is in New Jersey, Andrew Luck is in Indianapolis and I'm stuck with Joe "I need to do a better job coaching" Philbin and Ryan "Fuzzby" Tannehill.
The gang's all here.
As much as I bashed Buffalo for hiring a guy that was defensive-minded on an already defensive heavy team I simply can't do the same for the New Jersey Jets. Yes, Todd Bowles is a defensive-minded coach--but if anybody can juggle with one hand while learning the other I gotta go with him. Buffalo hired a sideshow, Jersey hired a prodigy.
I'm just glad he went to Jersey because not even they can take advantage of his raw power.
You better be floatin' on, graceful swans.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Death In The Family
Happy new year, kids. I know I've been away for some time but I return to you now.
I'm back and the reason why I was away for so long...is complicated. You see, I'm an emotional writer. I sat here for the last couple of months and started to write for the SP and got about two paragraphs in and decided it was garbage and scrapped the whole thing. I did this roughly about five times on five different occasions. It's my roots. I never wanted to open the paper the next day and absolutely hate what I wrote. I don't really care if you hate it or not--I just don't want to.
So because of this weird neurosis of mine the Pastures gathered some cobwebs and then more cobwebs and we almost got to the point where we would all be sitting around wondering what ever happened to that thing we used to read all the time.
Then today happened and Stuart Scott passed away and the world got that much smaller.
I haven't been proud of ESPN in a long time. I feel like they've become too corporate and basically use the Twitter trending list to schedule their news stories. SportsCenter was my security blanket as I was growing up and aspiring to do something sports and writing related. I would go to bed with it on and wake up to it in the morning. I knew which anchors were on which days and times just like people would do with the regular news--but this was the regular news to me.
I went to journalism school, specifically for sports journalism, because I felt that a lot of people just didn't get it. Sports does so much for so many different kinds of people that saying that you don't like sports is like cutting yourself off from humanity. I wanted to write about what inspires humanity.
I never knew Stuart Scott personally so I can't tell you any tales of our adventures but I can tell you that he was an inspiration to me and plenty of other sports journalists. The thing that strikes me the most about his passing--other than him being gone--is how his colleagues reacted. They were absolutely wrecked...every single one of them. The man had fought cancer three times and they were still floored when he passed. The emotional outpouring from basically all of ESPN got me going and suddenly they were human again. I was proud of ESPN. They reminded me of my upbringing and what I wanted to be. They reminded me that good men don't go quietly into the night. They reminded me that even heroes cry and even heroes die.
The world shrunk because I suddenly felt like I knew all of them. I felt like a grieving friend. I wanted to be there in Bristol and console them and talk about Stuart's incredible life and I don't even know any of them!
I know there's plenty of journalists out there that were influenced by Stuart and they will in turn influence new generations but it's hard to put that into perspective when such a bright light has gone out.
I will say this: Stuart Scott would undergo a chemotherapy session, go workout, and then walk into work for the next SportsCenter. That's incredible and an attribute to how much this all meant to him and how much he wanted it to mean to you.
Sports matter because of the reasons why people engage in sports. It's all incredibly beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
All hope is not lost, graceful swans. Float on for Stuart.
I'm back and the reason why I was away for so long...is complicated. You see, I'm an emotional writer. I sat here for the last couple of months and started to write for the SP and got about two paragraphs in and decided it was garbage and scrapped the whole thing. I did this roughly about five times on five different occasions. It's my roots. I never wanted to open the paper the next day and absolutely hate what I wrote. I don't really care if you hate it or not--I just don't want to.
So because of this weird neurosis of mine the Pastures gathered some cobwebs and then more cobwebs and we almost got to the point where we would all be sitting around wondering what ever happened to that thing we used to read all the time.
Then today happened and Stuart Scott passed away and the world got that much smaller.
I haven't been proud of ESPN in a long time. I feel like they've become too corporate and basically use the Twitter trending list to schedule their news stories. SportsCenter was my security blanket as I was growing up and aspiring to do something sports and writing related. I would go to bed with it on and wake up to it in the morning. I knew which anchors were on which days and times just like people would do with the regular news--but this was the regular news to me.
I went to journalism school, specifically for sports journalism, because I felt that a lot of people just didn't get it. Sports does so much for so many different kinds of people that saying that you don't like sports is like cutting yourself off from humanity. I wanted to write about what inspires humanity.
I never knew Stuart Scott personally so I can't tell you any tales of our adventures but I can tell you that he was an inspiration to me and plenty of other sports journalists. The thing that strikes me the most about his passing--other than him being gone--is how his colleagues reacted. They were absolutely wrecked...every single one of them. The man had fought cancer three times and they were still floored when he passed. The emotional outpouring from basically all of ESPN got me going and suddenly they were human again. I was proud of ESPN. They reminded me of my upbringing and what I wanted to be. They reminded me that good men don't go quietly into the night. They reminded me that even heroes cry and even heroes die.
The world shrunk because I suddenly felt like I knew all of them. I felt like a grieving friend. I wanted to be there in Bristol and console them and talk about Stuart's incredible life and I don't even know any of them!
I know there's plenty of journalists out there that were influenced by Stuart and they will in turn influence new generations but it's hard to put that into perspective when such a bright light has gone out.
I will say this: Stuart Scott would undergo a chemotherapy session, go workout, and then walk into work for the next SportsCenter. That's incredible and an attribute to how much this all meant to him and how much he wanted it to mean to you.
Sports matter because of the reasons why people engage in sports. It's all incredibly beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
All hope is not lost, graceful swans. Float on for Stuart.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Put The Devil Back In It
I want to wallow in pity.
I want to embrace despair.
Dark clouds have formed over St. Petersburg and Rays manager Joe Maddon has bolted for sunnier skies--wherever they may be--but it's not in Tampa.
Joe's gone, kids, and with his departure comes the arrival of days that old school Rays fans like me are still all too familiar with even despite the team's recent successes. Those of you outside of my little bubble might find it a little difficult to understand why a manager leaving a team would be so devastating and heartbreaking to the fans when just a few months ago the same franchise lost their ace and didn't react as bad.
David was a gut-punch. It knocked us to our knees, doubled us over in pain, but gradually it subsided and a lot of it had to do with the blind trust we had in our genius leaders. They know what they're doing. They'll get us through this. It was that mantra that helped me keep my lunch down every time I saw David in a Tiger's uniform.
Then we lost Andrew Friedman to the Los Angeles Dodgers. To the Dodgers! They literally have enough money to buy and sell the Tampa Bay Rays about a dozen times over and still have enough left over to do it another dozen times or so and they poached the head of our baseball operations. I get it, trust me I really do. Big Money talks and everybody else shuts the hell up. Friedman is the next big thing and he deserves to get whatever they are willing to throw at him. I'm not mad at anybody directly I'm just pissed off at the whole goddamn situation. I'm not even sure at this point at whether or not it's irony or coincidence that one of the poorest people in Oliver Twist is named Dodger. I'll just take solace in knowing that he was of the Dickensian era and he probably died of typhoid.
Friedman leaving sucked but we still have his protege, Matt Silverman, and he's been with us for a decade so that cushioned the blow just a little bit. Instead of getting into a car accident where you fly through the windshield and then your own car rolls over you we just got into a car accident where we flew through the windshield and landed harshly on cement. Still alive!
Then today happened. David was a gut-punch. I can live with Friedman leaving. Maddon going is the death knell. We've just reached the end of the Mortal Kombat fight and those red, bloodied letters just appeared on screen, "FINISH HIM!" There's a very iconic part in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy where Sam asks Frodo if he remembers certain parts about their home during that particular time of year. Because of all their trials and tribulations, going through Hell and back, Frodo tells Sam that he can't even remember the taste of strawberries. Strawberries! The very name elicits a cognitive motor response where you can't even define the taste of what a strawberry is other than saying it tastes like a damn strawberry! But I get it. Right now I can't remember what a strawberry tastes like either.
Why so glum? It's hard to imagine that success is on the horizon, say, without the only man we've ever had success with. Before we even delve into the four playoff appearances, the World Series appearance, and the multiple 90 win seasons, when I talk about success with the Tampa Bay Rays I am referring to simply winning and they couldn't do it before Joe Maddon. We didn't win. Ever. And sure, we've had some great seasons and some really memorable experiences but what's going to happen next? The future of the Tampa Bay Rays is like an alternative ending to Pretty Woman. Julia Roberts lives a life of poverty and prostitution, spends a glamorous pampered week with Richard Gere, and then goes back to poverty and prostitution. Roll credits.
Whoever said, "It's better to have loved and lost than to ever have loved at all" sounds like a pretentious dick that's dating the hottest chick in school. It's probably why I hate vacations. I don't want to spend three days at a Sandals resort and then go back to this hellish facade writing about why I care a 60 year-old man is making a career change. Damn this Twilight Zone, damn it all!
Whew.
Okay. I'm cool. I just had to get that out.
It's just so disheartening to constantly have expectations of what you presume to be the "right way" and only have it dashed to pieces. It's like if at the end of A New Hope Obi-Wan turns to Luke and says, "You know, I reeeeeaaally have this thing I gotta do so I'm going to peace out. Good luck with Darth Vader!"
I need a tub of chocolate ice cream, a Blu-Ray copy of The Notebook, and a solid forty minute cry session and after that I'll either be fine or ruined completely.
Don't float on, graceful swans, all is lost.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Something Rotten This Way Comes
It's kinda nice being the owner of the Studly Pastures because that generally means that I don't have to ever touch unicorn shit and can just make my employees pick it up. But even from my pedestal I know that shit is shit--even if it's rainbow colored--and if you have to pick it up for too long you tend to get a little jaded about your job. I've had plenty of good-natured ranch hands file their papers over the years because these little horned devils just won't stop fertilizing the yard.
Something stinks. Literally.
If I was Joe Philbin, the head coach of the Miami Dolphins, and I wanted to keep my job I would have utilized my knowledge of the years I spent training Aaron Rodgers and used that to my advantage to defeat him last Sunday. However, if I was the exact same guy and I wanted to get fired, I would have done exactly what he did last Sunday.
I've seen enough people try to get fired that I recognize it now almost instantly.
The man's had enough, and while I don't blame him, he's simultaneously tanking the one thing in the sports world that brings even the slightest of glimmers to my eye and it's driving me mad.
Why don't I blame Joe Philbin for trying to get fired from his job as head coach as the Miami Dolphins? Because Joe Philbin is a nice guy, with a great football mindset, aaaaannnndddd he makes a great offensive coordinator because he can stand behind the scenes and call the shots and not have to be the face or voice of a franchise. He's not a head coach and he got hired as a head coach and I blame him as much as I blame myself for not being a ladies' shoe salesman and I got hired once as a ladies' shoe salesman. Live and learn.
Plus, I don't blame him because Stephen Ross, the owner of the Miami Dolphins, is an idiot and wouldn't know couth if it was his own mother telling him how much he sucked as a person. See what I did there? I was very uncouth on purpose because I have couth, dammit! I'm couthful. Stephen Ross is uncouthful. He tried to hire a coach while he still had one on payroll and after that failed he settled for his silver medal, Joe Philbin, and now that that's not panning out he's trying to poach the same guy...AGAIN!
I'm being pretty discreet and I'm not sure why...it's not like I'm the goddamned Associated Press (cough, cough). I'm talking about Jim Harbaugh and how Stephen Ross has had a hard-on for his khaki-loving ass for a few years now. This is, apparently, one of those 'first love' kinda loves and it just sort of lingers on even after several girlfriends...I mean head coaches.
If I was Joe Philbin and I wanted to keep my job and every time I suffered a loss and had to give a press conference I would be succinct, bold, and very adamant about what went wrong, how it happened, and how I planned to prepare to make sure that it never happened again. However, if I was the exact same guy and I wanted to get fired, I would treat EVERY press conference as the same and always say the same thing: "I have to do a better job."
"I have to do a better job." That's not exactly the life mantra of a leader. "I have to do a better job" leads me down two paths: One is that he's said it enough times now and it means that he simply cannot do a better job and it's time to go OR he really knows that he has to do a better job and chooses not to...SO HE CAN BE FIRED. How much patience would you have that if somebody kept screwing up and his only explanation each and every time was "I have to do a better job"?
At the end of the day it boils down to people with millions upon millions of dollars at their disposal and have absolutely no idea what to do with it. Is there a book that exists titled How To Be Successful And Then To Stop Being Successful? Joe Philbin should be hosting a fishing show on public access, Stephen Ross should be blasted into space, and the Miami Dolphins should have pulled a George Costanza and gone out on a high note back in 1974. One undefeated season and back to back Super Bowl titles? Yeah, take a bow, you're done.
The problem with not having anybody to pick up the shit is that it just keeps piling up higher and higher, eventually to the point where it suffocates you but you don't get the privilege of either Heaven or Hell, no you get purgatory. The only problem with purgatory is that the whole goddamn thing recycles itself every three to four years and if you're skeptical you can go back to the beginning of this blog because I've been here longer than four years.
It's the Twilight Zone and the only thing worse than living in the Twilight Zone is knowing that you live in the Twilight Zone.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Solidarity
Anybody who keeps up with the Studly Pastures knows that I keep track of my readership statistics to get a better idea of who exactly is my target audience.
The tricky part is that there is no rhyme or reason to it.
This month, the country that's leading the way in most visits to the SP is...wait for it...France...of all places. While I embrace the motherland and it brings a glimmer to my eye that they turn to the prodigal son for commentary on the decay of Western society I can't help but think that France is beating us.
Rodney Harrison was doing his best impression of somebody who has something to say last night during halftime of the Steelers and Panthers game and mentioned how he thought the Denver Broncos earned a "moral victory" for taking the Seattle Seahawks to overtime. The only problem with that statement is that the Denver Broncos failed to get the actual victory. Maybe I'm just an inconsolable loser when it comes to term but if anybody offered me a "moral victory" they would probably be punched directly in the face.
The most ironic thing, of course, is that the whole basis of a "moral victory" is that yeah, you lost, but you lost defending your principles. Your principles! The National Football League is a League of Shadows--they have no principles! You cannot forsake everything good in the quest for the most dollar bills and still have "moral victories."
Roger Goodell is a puppet operated by 32 rich white men that have forsaken their principles. If you see a video of a man striking a woman out of her shoes and your first thought is "Let's make this go away so it doesn't cost us too much money" then you are officially no longer on the same moral thread as the rest of humanity. I lambasted Donald Sterling for holding people in the same regard as commodities and this is the same goddamn thing! Goodell stood at a podium on Friday afternoon and not only tried to rationalize violence but also the process in which rich white men try to cover up violence so that it doesn't cost them money. No accountability. This is a common theme among kingdoms built upon pillars of bullshit.
Dollar, dollar bills, y'all. The NFL is a rotten institution in the fact that 32 rich white men can pledge their full support to a shell of a man that TRIES TO COVER UP ABUSE!!! It's so goddamn maddening that it's almost impossible to understand that this is actually happening in real life and not some shitty Lifetime movie. My apologies to Lifetime but they really do exploit anything and everything that I'm sure they're just salivating over this whole facade. By the way, Lifetime, Kevin Hart should play Ray Rice, Kerri Washington should play Janay Palmer, and Gary Busey should play Commissioner Goodell but don't tell him he's being Commissioner Goodell and have him just be Gary Busey.
I don't have any human children yet (my dogs could care less) but it has to be really, really hard to explain to them why the Ravens released Ray Rice--or why Adrian Peterson isn't playing anymore. What do you tell the kids? Hell, tell them the truth. One day they will have to make a choice between being a good person or a bad person. It's just so depressing that a lot of people, even people we try to like or admire, go with Option B. Kids, stick to the comic book heroes. They're the only ones that actually come through at the end of the day.
So kudos to you, France, for coming to your chosen one to receive your weekly report on why we suck so bad. Hopefully this means that you'll open your doors to me once the NFL sends their goons after me. The NFL shows no discretion. The NFL will beat your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The NFL is the honey badger. The NFL doesn't give a fuck.
Peace out, France. Float on, you graceful swans.
The tricky part is that there is no rhyme or reason to it.
This month, the country that's leading the way in most visits to the SP is...wait for it...France...of all places. While I embrace the motherland and it brings a glimmer to my eye that they turn to the prodigal son for commentary on the decay of Western society I can't help but think that France is beating us.
Rodney Harrison was doing his best impression of somebody who has something to say last night during halftime of the Steelers and Panthers game and mentioned how he thought the Denver Broncos earned a "moral victory" for taking the Seattle Seahawks to overtime. The only problem with that statement is that the Denver Broncos failed to get the actual victory. Maybe I'm just an inconsolable loser when it comes to term but if anybody offered me a "moral victory" they would probably be punched directly in the face.
The most ironic thing, of course, is that the whole basis of a "moral victory" is that yeah, you lost, but you lost defending your principles. Your principles! The National Football League is a League of Shadows--they have no principles! You cannot forsake everything good in the quest for the most dollar bills and still have "moral victories."
Roger Goodell is a puppet operated by 32 rich white men that have forsaken their principles. If you see a video of a man striking a woman out of her shoes and your first thought is "Let's make this go away so it doesn't cost us too much money" then you are officially no longer on the same moral thread as the rest of humanity. I lambasted Donald Sterling for holding people in the same regard as commodities and this is the same goddamn thing! Goodell stood at a podium on Friday afternoon and not only tried to rationalize violence but also the process in which rich white men try to cover up violence so that it doesn't cost them money. No accountability. This is a common theme among kingdoms built upon pillars of bullshit.
Dollar, dollar bills, y'all. The NFL is a rotten institution in the fact that 32 rich white men can pledge their full support to a shell of a man that TRIES TO COVER UP ABUSE!!! It's so goddamn maddening that it's almost impossible to understand that this is actually happening in real life and not some shitty Lifetime movie. My apologies to Lifetime but they really do exploit anything and everything that I'm sure they're just salivating over this whole facade. By the way, Lifetime, Kevin Hart should play Ray Rice, Kerri Washington should play Janay Palmer, and Gary Busey should play Commissioner Goodell but don't tell him he's being Commissioner Goodell and have him just be Gary Busey.
I don't have any human children yet (my dogs could care less) but it has to be really, really hard to explain to them why the Ravens released Ray Rice--or why Adrian Peterson isn't playing anymore. What do you tell the kids? Hell, tell them the truth. One day they will have to make a choice between being a good person or a bad person. It's just so depressing that a lot of people, even people we try to like or admire, go with Option B. Kids, stick to the comic book heroes. They're the only ones that actually come through at the end of the day.
So kudos to you, France, for coming to your chosen one to receive your weekly report on why we suck so bad. Hopefully this means that you'll open your doors to me once the NFL sends their goons after me. The NFL shows no discretion. The NFL will beat your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The NFL is the honey badger. The NFL doesn't give a fuck.
Peace out, France. Float on, you graceful swans.
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