Is it something I said? I mean you could tell me and I wouldn't get upset.
I was just going over notes left for me by the Studly Pastures research team (cough) and it turns out that readership is down--like way down. Let's say it's so down that if we were a company that was built on turning a profit that I would have resorted to insider trading a few months ago. Our stock is bleeding faster than a stuck pig and I've never understood that reference other than I guess you have to bleed the pig before you cook it otherwise you get really bloody bites of pork.
They've even gone as far to say that Latvia hasn't been around in months and I'm especially hurt about that. We had a great thing going, Latvia, and you're just going to toss me aside like some cheap blog floozy. It makes me wonder two things: where the Hell are Latvians going to get their American sports banter if not from me and why did they ever stumble upon me in the first place?
Who knows how this wacky internet thingy works. I type words that only I can see and press a button and suddenly every entity in the universe can see them too. That's either incredible technology or the Devil's work and I haven't decided which one it is yet or if it's both.
After I crunched the numbers left for me by the research team (cough) I started trying to find some sort of correlation between the lack of readership and the content of the post. That search proved to be moot because all I concluded was that I was consistent across the board with genius observations and hilarious banter on American sports. That much was clear.
However a senior ranking adviser from the creative department (cough) discovered an abnormality in what kind of music I listen to when writing a post. For most of the last year I've been listening to classical music because I love classical music and it makes me relaxed and put at ease. Well that's exactly the opposite of what the Studly Pastures is about. We're loud, we're abrasive, and we don't do serene. No more classical. It's time for some other classical. I'm writing tonight to the sweet sounds of the Electric Light Orchestra station on Pandora and it's time for some real thoughts.
First off, if a closer comes into a ninth inning with a two-run lead and loses the game he should be demoted or at the very least docked in pay. Your job is to close the game, the very nature of it is in your job title for crying out loud! If I'm the cab driver and you hop in the backseat and tell me where you are going and I say okay and immediately gun the gas pedal and drive into the first light-post I see there's going to be consequences and repercussions! I understand that the job is a high-stress atmosphere. There's never thousands of people watching a cab driver's every move on television but I guess my beef is truly with the lack of ownership. If you give up a walk-off grand slam to lose the game for your team when everything that went wrong was truly your fault the very next thing you should do is answer for it. I want to hear you come out and say, "Well I sucked complete balls tonight and I'm really sorry that I didn't do my job and even beyond that I found some twisted way to make doing my job seem more heroic than it really is. I guess I shouldn't have walked out to the mound and immediately crapped my pants and then proceed to chuck that crap into the stands. I am really sorry about this and can only hope you show mercy."
If that happened I might be a little more forgiving.
Second of all, the NFL Draft is barreling towards us which is always a very exciting time for me here down at the Studly Pastures. I get really worked up about it and always refer to it as NFL Holy Day and everybody wants to know who is going to go number one overall. Well last year an offensive tackle went number one overall and that's always boring but before him the last four number ones were all quarterbacks, which is considered the most important position on the team. In fact you'd you have to go back all the way to 2006 to find when the last defensive end was taken number one overall and that was when the Houston Texans took Mario Williams over Reggie Bush.
I don't know if Johnny Manziel, or Blake Bortles, or Teddy Bridgewater is going to be great in the NFL and maybe they all will be. But I do know this about the NFL and the Houston Texans: getting pressure on the quarterback is very vital and they already have a specialist in J.J. Watt. Get another one! Use the number one draft pick on Jadeveon Clowney. The history of the Houston Texans number one draft picks is David Carr and Mario Williams. David Carr is probably in some sort of veterans hospital and Mario Williams is still playing in the league in Buffalo. Granted, those both sound like Hell on Earth, but at least Williams is still getting a fat paycheck. Take the freak defensive end, create awesome pass-rushing defense, get anybody later in the draft who can throw the ball to your own team more than the other one. There's the formula, don't disappoint me Houston.
Thirdly, and I'm so surprised that's a word, is that we've been together a long time, you and I, faceless entities and I worry that we're just not ourselves anymore. Let's promise each other something right here and now. I'll try harder and so will you. It's not that tough. You could always use a little information and a good laugh and I could always feed my narcissism. It's win-win for the both of us. Let me know what you think, my office is always open.
By the way, if you see Latvia, tell her that you saw me talking to Estonia. That ought a do it.
Float on, graceful swans.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
The Big 100th Post Celebration To End All Other 100 Post Celebrations!
This, my dear faceless entities, marks the centennial post of the Studly Pastures.
It's sort of ridiculous to think that 99 times before this I have tried to involve you in some sort of love and appreciation for something sports related but in a few months we are celebrating our five-year anniversary and I guess the word 'pathetic' would be better suited.
I know I like to reserve the anniversary posts for self-imposed love fests but this is the 100th for crying out loud! This is a benchmark! Years from now when I write post number 756 we'll get to sit and argue whether or not I have to write 763 posts to consider myself the all-time leader or if 756 is good enough because I did it the right way and didn't disrespect the game by cheating. But we'll all remember that it took me five years to get to 100.
100 posts. That means I'm just one dalmatian shy of a snazzy new fur coat. Which, by the way, makes Cruella De Vil the absolute worst of the Disney villains. Anytime you see a litter of puppies and think to yourself, "Hmm they would make a nice outfit", you have deep psychological issues that you need to get worked out stat. Plus nobody uses that cigarette extender anymore, you pretentious wench.
Three nights ago I posted my disdain over the lack of offense by the Tampa Bay Rays thus far. It seemed like every time I put the game on the most ridiculous thing would go in favor of our opponent. On Thursday, we hit into a triple play. A triple play! How nuts is that? There have been 692 triple plays since 1876. There are 30 MLB teams and each of them play 162 regular season games and over the course of the last 138 years there has only been 692 triple plays and I saw one on Thursday night. So I posted that I was done with watching baseball and haven't watched more than two minutes the last two nights. The Rays record the last two nights? 2-0 outscoring the Yankees 27-6. I won't watch another minute this year if it means we win the World Series.
Speaking of baseball, 100 is cool and everything but I think we might put too much emphasis on numbers. For example, 500 home runs was the number for the longest time. If you hit 500 home runs you already had your ticket to Cooperstown and the baseball Hall of Fame. After the steroid era and finding out that 75% of our heroes cheated their way to 500 we've gradually moved away from our love of numbers. Albert Pujols hit his 500th home run the other day and you probably just learned that from me and I only know because I love watching PTI.
If I write 500 posts and 200 of them are not funny or witty, and another 150 were ghost-written by somebody that I've employed because of my huge ego, and then another 50 were just articles I've already written that you've forgotten about because it's been awhile...then where are we at? The Hall of Fame? Not a chance.
See, the steroid era changed baseball like the internet changed the art of writing. You have to do more, you have to be original, and you have to make sure that whatever you do, you never take anything not prescribed by a licensed doctor.
I've always tried to do this rare thing with the Pastures and that's try to make sure I know what I'm talking about. Both the NHL and NBA playoffs are going on right now and that's all I have to say about that.
Kids, tomorrow is the Boston marathon and I'd like to ask you to whatever you are doing tomorrow to sit back and just take a second to be proud of mankind. Tomorrow is more than just some race that some ridiculously skinny person from a foreign county is going to win. It's a slap in the face to oppressors, terrorists, and anybody or anything that wants to create havoc and interfere with our way of life. It's great to be an American, and I'm proud to be an American, but the Boston marathon attracts more than Americans and they're going to show up in droves tomorrow to prove the resilience of human beings.
A marathon in itself is a testament to strength and resolve. It's a battle of endurance and a battle of wits as you power on through the miles. The ability to run just over 26 miles for no greater purpose than just to do it is a perfect example of the human spirit.
Obviously last year the Boston marathon was marred with tragedy by some people who thought they could change the landscape of the human mind but yet again they were completely wrong. Tomorrow is going to the be the biggest Boston marathon ever. Sure there will be more security but it doesn't really matter. There's no feasible way to ensure the safety of thousands of people over 26 miles and they all know that and they don't care. They're gonna run. They're gonna run for last year, for this year, and for all the runners in the coming years.
Isn't that beautiful? They were BOMBED last year and they still don't care. This is their thing and nobody is ever going to take it from them.
To all the runners tomorrow, I salute and thank you, for once again proving that in the face of adversity we humans come out stronger and better. We will persevere, that's assured.
100 posts in. I think I can stick around a little longer.
Float on, graceful swans.
It's sort of ridiculous to think that 99 times before this I have tried to involve you in some sort of love and appreciation for something sports related but in a few months we are celebrating our five-year anniversary and I guess the word 'pathetic' would be better suited.
I know I like to reserve the anniversary posts for self-imposed love fests but this is the 100th for crying out loud! This is a benchmark! Years from now when I write post number 756 we'll get to sit and argue whether or not I have to write 763 posts to consider myself the all-time leader or if 756 is good enough because I did it the right way and didn't disrespect the game by cheating. But we'll all remember that it took me five years to get to 100.
100 posts. That means I'm just one dalmatian shy of a snazzy new fur coat. Which, by the way, makes Cruella De Vil the absolute worst of the Disney villains. Anytime you see a litter of puppies and think to yourself, "Hmm they would make a nice outfit", you have deep psychological issues that you need to get worked out stat. Plus nobody uses that cigarette extender anymore, you pretentious wench.
Three nights ago I posted my disdain over the lack of offense by the Tampa Bay Rays thus far. It seemed like every time I put the game on the most ridiculous thing would go in favor of our opponent. On Thursday, we hit into a triple play. A triple play! How nuts is that? There have been 692 triple plays since 1876. There are 30 MLB teams and each of them play 162 regular season games and over the course of the last 138 years there has only been 692 triple plays and I saw one on Thursday night. So I posted that I was done with watching baseball and haven't watched more than two minutes the last two nights. The Rays record the last two nights? 2-0 outscoring the Yankees 27-6. I won't watch another minute this year if it means we win the World Series.
Speaking of baseball, 100 is cool and everything but I think we might put too much emphasis on numbers. For example, 500 home runs was the number for the longest time. If you hit 500 home runs you already had your ticket to Cooperstown and the baseball Hall of Fame. After the steroid era and finding out that 75% of our heroes cheated their way to 500 we've gradually moved away from our love of numbers. Albert Pujols hit his 500th home run the other day and you probably just learned that from me and I only know because I love watching PTI.
If I write 500 posts and 200 of them are not funny or witty, and another 150 were ghost-written by somebody that I've employed because of my huge ego, and then another 50 were just articles I've already written that you've forgotten about because it's been awhile...then where are we at? The Hall of Fame? Not a chance.
See, the steroid era changed baseball like the internet changed the art of writing. You have to do more, you have to be original, and you have to make sure that whatever you do, you never take anything not prescribed by a licensed doctor.
I've always tried to do this rare thing with the Pastures and that's try to make sure I know what I'm talking about. Both the NHL and NBA playoffs are going on right now and that's all I have to say about that.
Kids, tomorrow is the Boston marathon and I'd like to ask you to whatever you are doing tomorrow to sit back and just take a second to be proud of mankind. Tomorrow is more than just some race that some ridiculously skinny person from a foreign county is going to win. It's a slap in the face to oppressors, terrorists, and anybody or anything that wants to create havoc and interfere with our way of life. It's great to be an American, and I'm proud to be an American, but the Boston marathon attracts more than Americans and they're going to show up in droves tomorrow to prove the resilience of human beings.
A marathon in itself is a testament to strength and resolve. It's a battle of endurance and a battle of wits as you power on through the miles. The ability to run just over 26 miles for no greater purpose than just to do it is a perfect example of the human spirit.
Obviously last year the Boston marathon was marred with tragedy by some people who thought they could change the landscape of the human mind but yet again they were completely wrong. Tomorrow is going to the be the biggest Boston marathon ever. Sure there will be more security but it doesn't really matter. There's no feasible way to ensure the safety of thousands of people over 26 miles and they all know that and they don't care. They're gonna run. They're gonna run for last year, for this year, and for all the runners in the coming years.
Isn't that beautiful? They were BOMBED last year and they still don't care. This is their thing and nobody is ever going to take it from them.
To all the runners tomorrow, I salute and thank you, for once again proving that in the face of adversity we humans come out stronger and better. We will persevere, that's assured.
100 posts in. I think I can stick around a little longer.
Float on, graceful swans.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Bombs Away!
Kids! We're now past three months into the year and like most things that have twelve of something this marks the end of the first quarter of 2014. A quarter into a new year and yet there are still little hiccups that we just can't seem to look past and for that I'm looking at you TSA agents of LAX!
Look, I'm sure it's no picnic to be a TSA agent at a major airport in this day and age. Any time you have to deal with a large percentage of American public you're definitely going to have to handle a few whack jobs. I can remember taking a flight a couple years ago and standing behind a disheveled looking man in full fatigues with a hard metal case as his only luggage and thinking to myself 'worst terrorist ever.' It's never easy to look at a stranger and tell them to take off their shoes as you wave your magic wand all over them and oh by the way, if it beeps, I have to touch you.
On the flip side, however, it's no picnic to have to fly. You have to stand in line after line just to reserve the right to sit in a metal tube for four hours while you either have to A) listen to a baby express their inability to understand why their ears are popping, B) sit next to the sleeping guy that just forsake everything he knew about personal space, or C) get the old lady that's pinpointed you for her entire life story--and she's old--really old. Flying gets progressively better as you reach the legal drinking age but they don't take cash so come prepared.
It's all a big headache and like most big headaches the situation exacerbates itself the more and more you behave like a dick. San Francisco 49ers pass rusher extraordinaire Aldon Smith was detained yesterday at LAX when he decided to go ahead and behave like a dick. One of those little hiccups we still can't get away with after the first quarter of 2014? Yeah, we still can't flip out in an airport and carry on about how we have a bomb. Who knew?
Aldon has had his problems in the past and it's landed him in trouble with the law and in rehab as well but as soon as you start combining the words 'bomb' and 'airplane' now the FBI has to get involved and well, dammit, you're just a big ol' bag of dumb, aren't you? Didn't Ben Stiller teach you anything?
Look, Aldon, I know it's no fun to have some minimum wage employee tell you to take off your shoes and belt like you're being processed for some sort of harvest and you have to remove all your unnatural goods like some weird husk and wouldn't you know it you just got picked for 'additional screening.'
I get it. I feel the same way as you. 'Additional screening' is the 2014 politically correct way of saying 'we don't trust this large black man about to get into a metal tube with a lot of other (white) people.' As a large black man that would irk me too. However, I'm not a large black man, and standing behind that weird, creepy guy wearing the fatigues with the funny suitcase pretty much cleared me of any wrong-doing because the law of averages states what's the odds of TWO potential terrorists standing right beside each other in line at the airport...and 9/11 hasn't taught us anything!
You can't say bomb in an airport...unless you mean it. Everybody knows that. It comes right after, "Don't run with scissors" and it's right before, "Don't go swimming until thirty minutes after eating." And that last one is a bad example because that's a myth. No one has ever been in the ocean, about to plummet into the abyss, and thought to themselves, "Why did I have to have that last chili dog?!" Nope. It's always "Why did I get drunk and drift out into the rip current?!" And that, kids, is a lesson for another day.
It would be simple for the 49ers just to release Smith and move on with their lives but the NFL is a complicated beast and Smith is a proven commodity--a proven commodity that's especially valuable in today's NFL. He can rush the quarterback and can do it very well and that's hard to just wash your hands clean of even despite his misfortunes. But he's already been a nuisance with his past transgressions and he's already been to rehab--so what's next?
Maybe Aldon Smith did just have a really bad day and some jerky TSA agent pushed him to his breaking point. And maybe Aldon Smith has some deeper rooted issues that need to be worked out by professionals. I don't know anything about that but I do understand the NFL from a business standpoint and if I was a high ranking member of the the 49ers organization I would start shopping Aldon Smith immediately. There are plenty of teams that forsake normal human rationale for the ability to play football. Sell him now before that ceiling drops even lower.
Hell, see what New York will pay up for him. The Jets embrace crazy like it falls out of the sky.
It's hard just to 'give up' on somebody but after you've stuck your neck out multiple times and have had the axe come down each and every time I think you're perfectly within the statue of limitations to distance yourself from that person.
Godspeed, Aldon Smith.
Look, I'm sure it's no picnic to be a TSA agent at a major airport in this day and age. Any time you have to deal with a large percentage of American public you're definitely going to have to handle a few whack jobs. I can remember taking a flight a couple years ago and standing behind a disheveled looking man in full fatigues with a hard metal case as his only luggage and thinking to myself 'worst terrorist ever.' It's never easy to look at a stranger and tell them to take off their shoes as you wave your magic wand all over them and oh by the way, if it beeps, I have to touch you.
On the flip side, however, it's no picnic to have to fly. You have to stand in line after line just to reserve the right to sit in a metal tube for four hours while you either have to A) listen to a baby express their inability to understand why their ears are popping, B) sit next to the sleeping guy that just forsake everything he knew about personal space, or C) get the old lady that's pinpointed you for her entire life story--and she's old--really old. Flying gets progressively better as you reach the legal drinking age but they don't take cash so come prepared.
It's all a big headache and like most big headaches the situation exacerbates itself the more and more you behave like a dick. San Francisco 49ers pass rusher extraordinaire Aldon Smith was detained yesterday at LAX when he decided to go ahead and behave like a dick. One of those little hiccups we still can't get away with after the first quarter of 2014? Yeah, we still can't flip out in an airport and carry on about how we have a bomb. Who knew?
Aldon has had his problems in the past and it's landed him in trouble with the law and in rehab as well but as soon as you start combining the words 'bomb' and 'airplane' now the FBI has to get involved and well, dammit, you're just a big ol' bag of dumb, aren't you? Didn't Ben Stiller teach you anything?
Look, Aldon, I know it's no fun to have some minimum wage employee tell you to take off your shoes and belt like you're being processed for some sort of harvest and you have to remove all your unnatural goods like some weird husk and wouldn't you know it you just got picked for 'additional screening.'
I get it. I feel the same way as you. 'Additional screening' is the 2014 politically correct way of saying 'we don't trust this large black man about to get into a metal tube with a lot of other (white) people.' As a large black man that would irk me too. However, I'm not a large black man, and standing behind that weird, creepy guy wearing the fatigues with the funny suitcase pretty much cleared me of any wrong-doing because the law of averages states what's the odds of TWO potential terrorists standing right beside each other in line at the airport...and 9/11 hasn't taught us anything!
You can't say bomb in an airport...unless you mean it. Everybody knows that. It comes right after, "Don't run with scissors" and it's right before, "Don't go swimming until thirty minutes after eating." And that last one is a bad example because that's a myth. No one has ever been in the ocean, about to plummet into the abyss, and thought to themselves, "Why did I have to have that last chili dog?!" Nope. It's always "Why did I get drunk and drift out into the rip current?!" And that, kids, is a lesson for another day.
It would be simple for the 49ers just to release Smith and move on with their lives but the NFL is a complicated beast and Smith is a proven commodity--a proven commodity that's especially valuable in today's NFL. He can rush the quarterback and can do it very well and that's hard to just wash your hands clean of even despite his misfortunes. But he's already been a nuisance with his past transgressions and he's already been to rehab--so what's next?
Maybe Aldon Smith did just have a really bad day and some jerky TSA agent pushed him to his breaking point. And maybe Aldon Smith has some deeper rooted issues that need to be worked out by professionals. I don't know anything about that but I do understand the NFL from a business standpoint and if I was a high ranking member of the the 49ers organization I would start shopping Aldon Smith immediately. There are plenty of teams that forsake normal human rationale for the ability to play football. Sell him now before that ceiling drops even lower.
Hell, see what New York will pay up for him. The Jets embrace crazy like it falls out of the sky.
It's hard just to 'give up' on somebody but after you've stuck your neck out multiple times and have had the axe come down each and every time I think you're perfectly within the statue of limitations to distance yourself from that person.
Godspeed, Aldon Smith.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
The Last Stand of Peyton Manning
Faceless entities! Now is the time to repent for our misgivings and bad tidings. I'll start the bidding war with my opinion on reality shows and that is that I don't much care for them...any of them. It's all a crock of shit that makes Webster redefine the word 'reality'. If it's scripted, or there's parameters, or amateur actors...then it's not reality. Reality happens in a flash--in an instant. Scraps of reality can be captured or recreated to invoke human reaction but the fact remains is that reality is a fleeting subject that is both rare and often fabricated.
How about that? We're living in a world where reality isn't real anymore. Happy birthday to anybody born today.
Well kiddos, it's now March which means it's time to talk about professional football because free agency has opened and Denver is acting like a disgruntled girlfriend. It turns out that Denver didn't really handle that crushing loss in the Super Bowl very well and they're lashing out by buying everybody they can. They signed Aqib Talib to a 57 meulllioooonnnn dollar contract and former Cowboy DeMarcus Ware to a 30 meulllioooonnnn dollar contract to 'bolster their defense'.
Good for them.
On the surface it looks like John Elway woke up and realized that Peyton Manning was a ticking time bomb and that if you were the last one holding him...well then...kaboom. Elway had the luxury of retiring after winning two Super Bowls in a row and I'm sure he wants Peyton to go out on top. The unfortunate circumstance of the whole thing (and one would even go as far to call it ironic) is that it's obvious you can be the greatest quarterback of your generation but not reach the pinnacle until the pieces around you fall into place.
Elway was blessed. He got Terrell Davis. I know two things about Terrell Davis. He wore braces in the NFL and he was the Second Coming in running back form. I'm not going to bother to look up his stats or how long he played in the NFL because I'd like to be ignorant and just assume he played two years and dominated both of them and that was that. But I'm not that naive. He actually played six years and is the Denver Broncos leading rusher of all-time, which is more telling than anything else. He played SIX years.
I know Peyton Manning has won a Super Bowl already but in today's NFL he is mostly compared to some guy named Tom Brady that is considered his contemporary and has won multiple Super Bowls but also has children with different mothers. Tom Brady has three rings: Jim Kelly, Dan Marino, Fran Tarkenton, Boomer Esiason, Warren Moon, and Dan Fouts have a collective ZERO rings. Where's your messiah now?
Apparently there's no price tag on another ring for Peyton Manning. The thing that comes out though about every number and every dollar is very telling...this is the last stand of Ol' Top Heavy.
If Peyton doesn't win the big salami in 2014/2015 he'll retire and his forehead will finally be used as the world's biggest projector screen. Vonnegut would say, "So it goes," but I have a few more choice words than that. The final stand of Peyton Manning is also the mortgage of an entire NFL franchise. The amount of money that the Denver Broncos are doling out is going to catch up with them and soon some other names are going to be departing. That adds up to pressure and even more weight on the shoulders on our dear sweet Peyton. You don't have to be a scholar of the sport to recognize how Peyton performs under pressure. In layman terms, "notsa so good."
Peyton does have one thing working for him, however, and that's this is the Twilight Zone after all. The ridiculous moves that the Broncos are making will pan out and Peyton will get his second and final ring and ride off into the sunset on a very unfortunate horse that doesn't understand weight distribution. Don't worry, faceless entities, I'll stand here in loyal defiance and object to everything Peyton related.
This is still a sport, even in the Twilight Zone, and not even the Yankees can buy happiness. Well...sustained happiness for the most part.
In reality, I'd like to think that Peyton is humbled in the same fashion that all the non-Super Bowl winning quarterbacks I mentioned are. They wanted one, just one, and were denied. Peyton wants a second one.
Screw him.
How about that? We're living in a world where reality isn't real anymore. Happy birthday to anybody born today.
Well kiddos, it's now March which means it's time to talk about professional football because free agency has opened and Denver is acting like a disgruntled girlfriend. It turns out that Denver didn't really handle that crushing loss in the Super Bowl very well and they're lashing out by buying everybody they can. They signed Aqib Talib to a 57 meulllioooonnnn dollar contract and former Cowboy DeMarcus Ware to a 30 meulllioooonnnn dollar contract to 'bolster their defense'.
Good for them.
On the surface it looks like John Elway woke up and realized that Peyton Manning was a ticking time bomb and that if you were the last one holding him...well then...kaboom. Elway had the luxury of retiring after winning two Super Bowls in a row and I'm sure he wants Peyton to go out on top. The unfortunate circumstance of the whole thing (and one would even go as far to call it ironic) is that it's obvious you can be the greatest quarterback of your generation but not reach the pinnacle until the pieces around you fall into place.
Elway was blessed. He got Terrell Davis. I know two things about Terrell Davis. He wore braces in the NFL and he was the Second Coming in running back form. I'm not going to bother to look up his stats or how long he played in the NFL because I'd like to be ignorant and just assume he played two years and dominated both of them and that was that. But I'm not that naive. He actually played six years and is the Denver Broncos leading rusher of all-time, which is more telling than anything else. He played SIX years.
I know Peyton Manning has won a Super Bowl already but in today's NFL he is mostly compared to some guy named Tom Brady that is considered his contemporary and has won multiple Super Bowls but also has children with different mothers. Tom Brady has three rings: Jim Kelly, Dan Marino, Fran Tarkenton, Boomer Esiason, Warren Moon, and Dan Fouts have a collective ZERO rings. Where's your messiah now?
Apparently there's no price tag on another ring for Peyton Manning. The thing that comes out though about every number and every dollar is very telling...this is the last stand of Ol' Top Heavy.
If Peyton doesn't win the big salami in 2014/2015 he'll retire and his forehead will finally be used as the world's biggest projector screen. Vonnegut would say, "So it goes," but I have a few more choice words than that. The final stand of Peyton Manning is also the mortgage of an entire NFL franchise. The amount of money that the Denver Broncos are doling out is going to catch up with them and soon some other names are going to be departing. That adds up to pressure and even more weight on the shoulders on our dear sweet Peyton. You don't have to be a scholar of the sport to recognize how Peyton performs under pressure. In layman terms, "notsa so good."
Peyton does have one thing working for him, however, and that's this is the Twilight Zone after all. The ridiculous moves that the Broncos are making will pan out and Peyton will get his second and final ring and ride off into the sunset on a very unfortunate horse that doesn't understand weight distribution. Don't worry, faceless entities, I'll stand here in loyal defiance and object to everything Peyton related.
This is still a sport, even in the Twilight Zone, and not even the Yankees can buy happiness. Well...sustained happiness for the most part.
In reality, I'd like to think that Peyton is humbled in the same fashion that all the non-Super Bowl winning quarterbacks I mentioned are. They wanted one, just one, and were denied. Peyton wants a second one.
Screw him.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
This Water Cooler is the Water Coolest!
We're back and it's been recently brought to my attention that we're not supposed to take it anymore. So for those of you that have been still taking it you can go ahead and not take it anymore. Thank you.
I'd like to consider myself a fair guy. I don't think I have unreasonable expectations where I hope that my favorite sports team doesn't do anything to completely embarrass me and if and when that happens I won't just spray cologne over it and pretend it's not there.
The Miami Dolphins have spent the better part of the last year trying to convince us it was just a cold sore and now we finally have admission that it's full blown herpes. Joe Philbin seems like a nice enough guy to buy sweaters from but when you let your own employees harass each other in a myriad of ways and don't claim ownership of that then one of two things should happen. The first is you're lying and should be fired. The second is you have no control of your own employees and should be fired.
However, the Miami Dolphins embrace the lifestyles we have here in the Twilight Zone and let Philbin go out there in his nice, non-confrontational button down shirt and swear that from now on we really, really won't let people treat other people like they're not actual human beings. Good on them.
Okay faceless entities, a proposition: I will write the Studly Pastures until the Miami Dolphins win a Super Bowl or I meet my untimely demise. So the deal is that unless I die or the Dolphins win the Super Bowl, the SP will continue on. You game? You actually have no choice. I've already decided. The last post I ever write for the SP will be the Dolphins' Super Bowl victory or something really stupid because I died shortly after that. It's the ultimate game of internet chicken.
Enough about that crap, let's talk about some Olympics crap. It seems to me that for some reason before the last three days that Americans thought we could beat Canadians in hockey. Really? I know most of you like to brush off Canada little-brother style but if there is one thing that they nailed down and really made 'their thing' it's hockey.
I know here in America we have to concern ourselves with trivial things like keeping the rest of the world in order but in Canada they don't have that problem. They just sit up there and play hockey until we tell them to do something.
In all seriousness though, our national women's hockey team choked and in further seriousness, I was hoping I would never have to mention women's hockey. Two goal lead, third period, and closing minutes...and you lose? I'm not insinuating that this wouldn't happen to men because I watch American soccer and it happens all the time but come on! You'se had 'em! You'se had 'em!!!
It's okay, girls. The World Cup is five months away and the Summer Olympics is two years away and the word 'Canada' will be irrelevant for all of that.
Finally, I have to end with Derek Jeter. The Yankee short-stop is retiring after this upcoming season and to me that's the right decision. Jeter announcing his retirement is like a race horse being put down after breaking it's leg...except the horse is pulling the trigger. Jeter is showing something rare in athletes like him that have spent most of his career in the spotlight and in the center of attention: the ability to know when it's time to walk away.
Somewhere on a farm in Mississippi, Brett Favre is re-enacting the entire plot of Necessary Roughness--the movie, not the show, have some class.
Jeter will always be for me that iconic athlete that I miss because I knew I was getting old. Ken Griffey Jr. was the man when I was a kid but he was injury prone and didn't have the staying power. Jeter has had his fair share of injuries but it wasn't until recent years that injuries really got to him. Even as a Rays fan it's hard not to see Jeter at short-stop for the Yankees. After going through the fanfare last year with Mariano retiring it should be safe to assume that the Captain will get the same treatment.
I can only hope that in his last at-bat he's pulled for a pinch-hitting Bernie Williams. That'd be amazing. I love baseball and I love the fact that I care about a rival teammate retiring. Sigggghhhh.
I guess in a way, kids, I have announced my own retirement. One way or another, the Studly will end either with my death or a Miami Dolphins Super Bowl victory. I wish Vegas would calculate these odds for me because I could walk out my door tomorrow and get hit by a bus but the Dolphins can't win the Super Bowl tomorrow.
So I guess the only thing left to do is live life to the fullest, right? In the immortal words from Robert Loggia from Necessary Roughness, "YOU TEAR THEIR F****** HEADS OFF AND SHIT DOWN THEIR NECKS!" "Let us pray."
Float on, graceful swans.
I'd like to consider myself a fair guy. I don't think I have unreasonable expectations where I hope that my favorite sports team doesn't do anything to completely embarrass me and if and when that happens I won't just spray cologne over it and pretend it's not there.
The Miami Dolphins have spent the better part of the last year trying to convince us it was just a cold sore and now we finally have admission that it's full blown herpes. Joe Philbin seems like a nice enough guy to buy sweaters from but when you let your own employees harass each other in a myriad of ways and don't claim ownership of that then one of two things should happen. The first is you're lying and should be fired. The second is you have no control of your own employees and should be fired.
However, the Miami Dolphins embrace the lifestyles we have here in the Twilight Zone and let Philbin go out there in his nice, non-confrontational button down shirt and swear that from now on we really, really won't let people treat other people like they're not actual human beings. Good on them.
Okay faceless entities, a proposition: I will write the Studly Pastures until the Miami Dolphins win a Super Bowl or I meet my untimely demise. So the deal is that unless I die or the Dolphins win the Super Bowl, the SP will continue on. You game? You actually have no choice. I've already decided. The last post I ever write for the SP will be the Dolphins' Super Bowl victory or something really stupid because I died shortly after that. It's the ultimate game of internet chicken.
Enough about that crap, let's talk about some Olympics crap. It seems to me that for some reason before the last three days that Americans thought we could beat Canadians in hockey. Really? I know most of you like to brush off Canada little-brother style but if there is one thing that they nailed down and really made 'their thing' it's hockey.
I know here in America we have to concern ourselves with trivial things like keeping the rest of the world in order but in Canada they don't have that problem. They just sit up there and play hockey until we tell them to do something.
In all seriousness though, our national women's hockey team choked and in further seriousness, I was hoping I would never have to mention women's hockey. Two goal lead, third period, and closing minutes...and you lose? I'm not insinuating that this wouldn't happen to men because I watch American soccer and it happens all the time but come on! You'se had 'em! You'se had 'em!!!
It's okay, girls. The World Cup is five months away and the Summer Olympics is two years away and the word 'Canada' will be irrelevant for all of that.
Finally, I have to end with Derek Jeter. The Yankee short-stop is retiring after this upcoming season and to me that's the right decision. Jeter announcing his retirement is like a race horse being put down after breaking it's leg...except the horse is pulling the trigger. Jeter is showing something rare in athletes like him that have spent most of his career in the spotlight and in the center of attention: the ability to know when it's time to walk away.
Somewhere on a farm in Mississippi, Brett Favre is re-enacting the entire plot of Necessary Roughness--the movie, not the show, have some class.
Jeter will always be for me that iconic athlete that I miss because I knew I was getting old. Ken Griffey Jr. was the man when I was a kid but he was injury prone and didn't have the staying power. Jeter has had his fair share of injuries but it wasn't until recent years that injuries really got to him. Even as a Rays fan it's hard not to see Jeter at short-stop for the Yankees. After going through the fanfare last year with Mariano retiring it should be safe to assume that the Captain will get the same treatment.
I can only hope that in his last at-bat he's pulled for a pinch-hitting Bernie Williams. That'd be amazing. I love baseball and I love the fact that I care about a rival teammate retiring. Sigggghhhh.
I guess in a way, kids, I have announced my own retirement. One way or another, the Studly will end either with my death or a Miami Dolphins Super Bowl victory. I wish Vegas would calculate these odds for me because I could walk out my door tomorrow and get hit by a bus but the Dolphins can't win the Super Bowl tomorrow.
So I guess the only thing left to do is live life to the fullest, right? In the immortal words from Robert Loggia from Necessary Roughness, "YOU TEAR THEIR F****** HEADS OFF AND SHIT DOWN THEIR NECKS!" "Let us pray."
Float on, graceful swans.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Slow Progress Is Still Progress
Hello, faceless entities that I do so enjoy, and welcome to another installment of that thing that's uber-popular overseas and easily dismissed in the States.
I'd like to think I do more for you than just kick over my soap box and jump on top of it but my voice is just so darn velvety that I guess I'm just like the rest of these schmuck bloggers so how can I lash out at you for not labeling me any different?
Because I am! I use big words to tell dirty jokes! I relate to the poor and the rich while staying so deliciously middle class! I have an educated background that I choose to ignore and just spew random verbs and nouns together to get a cheap laugh from someone I've never met! What?! WHAT?!
So I don't know if you heard but there's a guy named Michael Sam (one love for my two first-names people, where you at?) who decided to tell the world that he's gay. Good for him, I wish him all the luck, and I hope he finds the man of his dreams. Eh? What's that? Oh because he's an NFL-draftee hopeful, and a great pass-rusher from the SEC we need to talk about this more? Siggggggghhhhh. Didn't we do this in The Great Divide? I'm pretty sure we did. But okay...I guess...
Saying the Michael Sam announcement isn't a big deal is the same thing as saying that any pivotal moment in any human civil rights movement wasn't that big of a deal. This is a huge deal because we're getting ever so closer to this not being a big deal at all and that's the ultimate goal. Jason Collins broke the barrier with his announcement but he's 35 and hasn't played an NBA game since he came out and likely won't again at this point but I hope I'm wrong. Sam is different. He's leaving college for the NFL the year after being named SEC Defensive Player of the Year. He will be drafted and he will play in the NFL next year. Sure, there's been gay football players before but they haven't come out until after they retired. Sam is the first to announce he's gay before starting his NFL career. Monumental? Check.
Sam's announcement has been met mostly with sincere admiration of his courage and acceptance by athletes of all walks of life. There has been little detraction but that just brings me to Jonathan Vilma.
Vilma, as far as I know, isn't a bigot--or even an asshole maybe! He's just a guy voicing his opinion like the rest of us and he said some things before his camp got to him and made him backpedal and say some PR things instead. Basically the gist of what Vilma said was how he was supposed to act if a player that was openly gay happened to glance over at Vilma while he was changing or getting out of the shower.
Jeez, I don't know, Vilma. He would just have to resist the temptation I guess! I thought I was the only one around here who thought the sight of my naked body was irresistible? I guess Vilma and I have something in common after all!
Michael Sam said he was gay, not a sexual deviant. I work with women everyday and I have yet to get a sexual assault charge. Granted I've never showered with any of them but if it was acceptable to have a uni-sex shower at my work I think things would work out pretty smoothly. Okay that's a terrible example...but the point remains the same. We're all professionals in a professional atmosphere and our personal life choices don't affect that.
Vilma's words were the template for any athlete that's ever had a concern about a gay person in the locker room. Isn't that always the first words out of an ignorant person's mouth? "Well shoot, how am I gonna shower with them?" It's okay Adonis, that just leaves more hot water for you because all gay athletes take cold showers as a coping mechanism for working in the Sexiest Place on Earth.
There's going to be more than just this, I can guarantee it. Hell, I run into idiots every single day of my life and I'm not even a public figure. But the good news is that Michael Sam appears to be one tough guy and the other good news is that he's going to get drafted into the right locker room too. The front office that looks at his stats and realizes how valuable a pass-rusher is instead of looking at his dating record and bedroom tactics is going to draft him. I love the management team of Green Bay and Baltimore and wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if he goes to either one of those teams. He'll get in the right situation, he'll find his version of a Pee Wee Reese, and the rest will eventually fall in line.
And I hate to get all Forrest Gump on you guys but that's all I have to say about that.
Float on, you graceful swans.
I'd like to think I do more for you than just kick over my soap box and jump on top of it but my voice is just so darn velvety that I guess I'm just like the rest of these schmuck bloggers so how can I lash out at you for not labeling me any different?
Because I am! I use big words to tell dirty jokes! I relate to the poor and the rich while staying so deliciously middle class! I have an educated background that I choose to ignore and just spew random verbs and nouns together to get a cheap laugh from someone I've never met! What?! WHAT?!
So I don't know if you heard but there's a guy named Michael Sam (one love for my two first-names people, where you at?) who decided to tell the world that he's gay. Good for him, I wish him all the luck, and I hope he finds the man of his dreams. Eh? What's that? Oh because he's an NFL-draftee hopeful, and a great pass-rusher from the SEC we need to talk about this more? Siggggggghhhhh. Didn't we do this in The Great Divide? I'm pretty sure we did. But okay...I guess...
Saying the Michael Sam announcement isn't a big deal is the same thing as saying that any pivotal moment in any human civil rights movement wasn't that big of a deal. This is a huge deal because we're getting ever so closer to this not being a big deal at all and that's the ultimate goal. Jason Collins broke the barrier with his announcement but he's 35 and hasn't played an NBA game since he came out and likely won't again at this point but I hope I'm wrong. Sam is different. He's leaving college for the NFL the year after being named SEC Defensive Player of the Year. He will be drafted and he will play in the NFL next year. Sure, there's been gay football players before but they haven't come out until after they retired. Sam is the first to announce he's gay before starting his NFL career. Monumental? Check.
Sam's announcement has been met mostly with sincere admiration of his courage and acceptance by athletes of all walks of life. There has been little detraction but that just brings me to Jonathan Vilma.
Vilma, as far as I know, isn't a bigot--or even an asshole maybe! He's just a guy voicing his opinion like the rest of us and he said some things before his camp got to him and made him backpedal and say some PR things instead. Basically the gist of what Vilma said was how he was supposed to act if a player that was openly gay happened to glance over at Vilma while he was changing or getting out of the shower.
Jeez, I don't know, Vilma. He would just have to resist the temptation I guess! I thought I was the only one around here who thought the sight of my naked body was irresistible? I guess Vilma and I have something in common after all!
Michael Sam said he was gay, not a sexual deviant. I work with women everyday and I have yet to get a sexual assault charge. Granted I've never showered with any of them but if it was acceptable to have a uni-sex shower at my work I think things would work out pretty smoothly. Okay that's a terrible example...but the point remains the same. We're all professionals in a professional atmosphere and our personal life choices don't affect that.
Vilma's words were the template for any athlete that's ever had a concern about a gay person in the locker room. Isn't that always the first words out of an ignorant person's mouth? "Well shoot, how am I gonna shower with them?" It's okay Adonis, that just leaves more hot water for you because all gay athletes take cold showers as a coping mechanism for working in the Sexiest Place on Earth.
There's going to be more than just this, I can guarantee it. Hell, I run into idiots every single day of my life and I'm not even a public figure. But the good news is that Michael Sam appears to be one tough guy and the other good news is that he's going to get drafted into the right locker room too. The front office that looks at his stats and realizes how valuable a pass-rusher is instead of looking at his dating record and bedroom tactics is going to draft him. I love the management team of Green Bay and Baltimore and wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if he goes to either one of those teams. He'll get in the right situation, he'll find his version of a Pee Wee Reese, and the rest will eventually fall in line.
And I hate to get all Forrest Gump on you guys but that's all I have to say about that.
Float on, you graceful swans.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Rocky Mountain Low Is Too Cliche
Well, well, well...here we are. It's the day after the Super Bowl and I've come a-collectin'.
I'd like to say that I've correctly predicted the Super Bowl winner the last two years but last year all I kinda said was that the Baltimore Ravens would make the game and for some reason never really came to any sort of end with that. Eh. Half a point?
But I definitely said that the Seattle Seahawks would win it all this year and wouldn't you know it...they did!
Sure I said that they would be playing the Houston Texans but that just goes to show you how much of a crap-shoot this thing really is...you could peg anybody in there really. What's that? A lot of you thought that the Denver Broncos would make it to the Super Bowl too? Well fine! I'll just go stand in the Stupid Corner with everybody else that makes ridiculous statements as if they're premonitions that don't come true to allow enough space for the rest of the world that loves to decree themselves Nostradamus incarnate!
Actually I won't.
I am just like the rest of you (not really, because I really do study the history of the game, but for all intensive purposes I am just a man who can't predict the future) and maybe it was my blind hatred for Peyton Manning but I knew deep down in the very hearth of my gourd (that's a saying) that Lil' Top Heavy never stood a chance in this game. But it wasn't even just him it was the rest of his horse-loving, Coors Lite drinking, mountain skiing yahoo gang as well. They were screwed the minute Richard Sherman managed to deflect everyone's attention away from the fact that Colin Kaepernick is a terrible quarterback.
I'm not even going to invoke the Weather Defense either. Look, the NFL lucked out completely in the fact that it was a clear-sky balmy 50 degrees for the game because Roger Goodell is the arch-villain from Die Another Day. I'm still against cold-weather Super Bowls because the Devil always collects his due and I don't want the best thing ever to become a farce of itself because of a blizzard. I'm getting ahead of myself here though because the thing that I've always known, and assumed that others knew but was proven wrong this past week, was that blizzards don't just affect Peyton Manning...they tend to get to the other players on the field too.
Peyton Manning can't play in cold weather. What? Why? Is he out there in board shorts and a mesh tank-top? Is he the Heat Miser? (Which now I'm mad at myself for never, ever referring to Peyton Manning as the Heat Miser because Eli makes the peeeeerfect Snow Miser)
Just stop! Weather doesn't affect ONE person or ONE team and this is coming from a life-long Miami Dolphins fan. The Miami Dolphins still to this day think that they have some sort of home-field advantage in August and September because it's way too friggin' hot for somebody not from here to perform well. We've gone forty years without a championship, folks, and it's looking more and more each day like we can't blame the damn weather anymore.
The collective body of sports enthusiasts seems to suffer some sort of temporary Alzheimer's whenever we are treated to a great offensive team. "Wow, look at all those points!" "Wow, they can score on anybody!" "THIS IS THE BEST TEAM EVER!!!!!"
I must be the only one living in the Twilight Zone that knows that I'm actually living in the Twilight Zone because I've heard all of this before. I heard it in 2002 for the Oakland Raiders, again in 2007 for the New England Patriots, and once again this year for the Denver Broncos. The thing that all three have in common? They lost the Super Bowl to a really, really great defense because that's what the best offense in the league does...they lose to the best defense.
I wasn't planning on Seattle playing Denver in the big game because I thought Denver would have Denver'ed out in one of the earlier rounds of the playoffs. I thought at the time that Houston would have been a more intriguing team for Seattle to face in the Super Bowl because I thought Houston had a comparable defense--at least in the front seven...okay...maybe front four! I also failed to realize that Houston had the emotional stability of a 16-year old girl on Junior Prom Night. That's right...Junior Prom Night.
Seattle's defense this year was absolutely amazing. They didn't just stop other offenses...they smothered them. Offense in the NFL is all about timing and rhythm and the mark of a great defense is being able to disrupt that timing even if just for a second longer. Things like being able to get to the quarterback quickly and knocking wide receivers off their routes are tools that tend to get this job done and Seattle utilized both of those things last night.
The Seattle win was inevitable and the blow-out was just the cherry on top. Do I revel in the fact that most of the world is targeting Peyton Manning for this loss? Yes, of course I do! What kind of question is that? I loathe Peyton Manning and his suffering is my life force. I just gained ten more years! To pin the loss on Peyton is moronic, like I've mentioned in this post, but I'm going to allow it.
So, thank you, Seattle. Enjoy the title and I hope it's not as fleeting as I hear it is. I only mention that because, you know...the whole forty years thing and if I was writing this in my forties I would have to really sit back and reflect on some of the choices I've made and how the Hell I've gotten here...I'm going to eat these words in twelve years, aren't I?
All that's left for Peyton is to retire and pitch a sit-com to CBS where he and Dan Marino have to move in together after their respective football careers are over and open up a pizza joint together. Peyton, of course, will play the smart guy and Dan will just be the guy who gets all the chicks. Then the cycle will have completed itself and hopefully by then I'll be dead.
Float on, graceful swans.
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